The PDX Experience

Well, there goes another year, internets. Another year of trials, tribulations, happiness and heartache, highs and lows and everything in between.

The highs of this year? Easy. Meeting and getting to know the most amazing community I’ve ever had the honor, luck and pleasure of being a part of. Thanks to the pdx tech community, I have new ideas, new activities, and most importantly, new friends and connections which enrich my life in ways I could never have imagined (*cough* igniteportland and 30hourday *cough*), and will continue to enrich my life in ways I can only dream. So whether or not I follow you on Twitter, friend you on Facebook, or we hook up on LinkedIn, I’m glad I met each and every last one of you.

But it’s not all about the pdx tech scene! There’s been old friends reuniting, new activities ventured, and new friends made in other areas of my life as well!

In reviewing my year, I decided to steal copy borrow an end-of-year blog post idea from my friend Rick Turoczy, the Silicon Florist, and see what my blog posts from the past year say about me (That Rick, he’s big on the word clouds, isn’t he?):

I see hope there, my friends.  Spring fires and hope.  And also vampires.

Have a safe and happy New Year.  May you find the courage to make your life what you want it to be.

See what being Internet Famous will get you?

Actually, see what being Internet Famous and not saying no will get you?

It gets you involved in amazing, fabulous, inspiring projects which suck all the sleep out of you.

Like this one.

Watch this spot.  No, this spot right here.  Right.  Here.

Video:

Streaming live video by Ustream

Chat:

Social:

I’ll be embedding the stream there for your viewing pleasure.  And if you tune in around 9:30am on Saturday, you’ll see me!  Yes, I’ll even be ON THE AIR.  Or the stream.  Whatever.  Followed by the variety show, which I’ll be running behind the scenes.  Only a fabulous charitable event such as this could get me in front of that many people and try to be funny.  And I will.  Try.  But please, I have a celebrity’s sensitive ego.  It squishes easily!  Because that’s what Internet Famous people do.  They have squishy egos.  Like a sponge, soaking up all the opinions about ME from everyone who of course is talking about ME.*

So, even though I’m permitted to sleep tonight (and really tomorrow night too, but don’t tell anyone)…I don’t think I’ll be able to.  Sometimes…it’s good to be wicked.  Famous.**

*You all do realize I’m joking, right?

**Just so you know, I don’t really think I’m famous.  Not in the least.  I know it might seem like I am, but I’m not.  Please, stop sending me money.  No really, you can stop.  Well ok, maybe after you send that last check.  THEN you can stop.  I mean it.

Something fabulous happened last night, my dear internets. It was so strange and surreal and well… Here. Read.

I’m at the Bagdad Theatre last night, watching Word to the Wise(men), a festive storytelling event full of scantily clad elves, cupcakes and music. That in and of itself is fabulous, I know. Being at the Bagdad and not running an event is kinda strange for me now, but some friends of mine were represented in this effort in various ways, and I was being a fangirl supportive.

I see a friend of mine walking over with a few other people, so naturally I go over to say hello. Thats what you do in these social situations, acknowledge people you like, right? See I thought so. Anyway, my friend introduces me to the guy with him: “Morgan, this is AGuy.  AGuy, this is Morgan.”

AGuy (sorry, can’t remember his name, it takes me a minimum of 7 times before I can remember peoples names, seriously you don’t?) anyway, he says to me as he grips my hand Very Tightly (the same hand I nearly broke on Thanksgiving, ouchouchouch): “Morgan? Like as in morganpdx?” I nod affirmative, slightly bewildered. “Oh man I LOVE reading your blog! You’re so funny and awesome and amazing and I want to have your babies!!”. At least that’s what I think he said. That’s what I heard, anyway. Which means, of course, that I’M INTERNET FAMOUS!!! I’M A FUCKIN ROCK STAR!

Funny, my chauffer hasn’t arrived in my Morgan limo yet. You get one of those when you’re Internet Famous, right? And a personal chef and personal trainer? I expect the checks will start rolling in Any Day Now.

yesterday was my birthday.

it was awesome.

i have more to say about that.  but not just right now.

i have the best friends.

and i am super lucky to have them.

if you have friends, and i hope you do…let them know they’re appreciated.

seriously.  do it.  you may not get another chance.  because tomorrow never knows.

Dating sucks.

No really, it does.  I know, I’ve been doing it a little over two years now.

It.  Sucks.  Ass.

Oh sure, you get to meet cool people.  Sure, there’s the prospect of that exciting first kiss, the quickening of breath, hearts racing and all that.  It still sucks, and I just don’t quite know why, or why I continue to do it.  I certainly don’t remember it being like this the last time I was single.  True, that was about 8 years ago, but still.  Maybe its the particular age group I’m dealing with now.  Maybe all the sane, stable, un-fucked up ones are taken.  Maybe I have old-fashioned ideas about dating.  Maybe I’m just looking in the wrong places.  Maybe “things are just done differently now”.  Whatever the case may be, I’m not Livin’ La Vida Loca, that’s for damn sure.  Dating seems to boil down to one thing: playing head games.

That is the one game that I really REALLY hate with a boiling passion am not fond of.

But what the hell.  Sign me up for that emotional roller coaster ride!  Yes, I ENJOY using my heart as a metal ball in the Dating Pinball machine.  If you’re not jaded and disillusioned, then you’re doin it wrong!  Hello, MultiBall!

Meh.  Meh, I say.

A friend of mine told me that relationships are overrated. That if hers ended, she’d just date and be single and happy for the rest of her life. She also told me she’s heard of lots of couples splitting up recently.

Well for her, and all the people thinking the grass is greener on the single side, here’s what I’ve learned after two years.  A few tips, you might say.  Or words of warning.  Take them how you will.

1. Don’t show any interest in someone you’re interested in. That makes you “needy”. Maintain an air of mild disdain for human connection, or risk being seen as weak. The more you like them, the less you can show it.  And the less you show it, the more they want you.
2. If you’re not dating at least 5 other people, you’re dangerous. Too available.
3. However, if  someone informs you that they’re dating 15 other people, you *might* want to consider leaving.
4. If you’re looking for more than a casual hookup, give up. Committed relationships apparently are no longer cool.  Whoa there partner…do you have FEELINGS about me?  Whoa, I’m not cool with FEELINGS, you know.  Now come over and let’s fuck.
5. Unless the connection is instant and overwhelming, it’s not worth your time. Slowly getting to know someone? Who’s got time for that?
6. People say in their ads/profiles that they’re ‘looking for friends, maybe more’. THEY ARE LYING.  If they don’t think you’re hot on first meeting, no matter how much you have in common or how much you hit it off, you’ll never hear from them again.
7. Speaking of friends: There’s no such thing as going directly from dating to friends if you’ve had sex.  Saying that “We can be friends!” is a lie created to distract you from the fact that you’re being broken up with.
8. You’ll want to learn the art of the passive aggressive text message.  Text is this generation’s sticky note on the bathroom mirror.
9. Never, under any circumstances, friend people you’re dating on Facebook .  Or Twitter.  Or LinkedIn, Tumblr, or any of the other 3 billion social networking sites.  If by some dumb stroke of luck you actually *do* end up in a long term relationship with someone, then MAAAAYYBBEEE you can consider the digital hookup.  Until then, however, keep it off the internets.  It’s safer.  Think of it as a digital condom.  Let’s be safe out there, people.
10. Realize that this is going to be a huge pain in the ass. Dating is like trying to organize a multilevel marketing scam but with the possibility of STDs and more booze.

But seriously, internets.  Dating just seems to bring out the ugly side of people, myself included.  I can’t tell you how many people have reached out to me on the various dating sites, and I take one look at the picture and delete the message with a shudder.  That makes me feel shallow and cruel - but I know what I’m looking for, and they have not met my standards. I’m sure I’d like those people.  I bet we’d be great friends.  I’m sure I have a lot I could learn from them; I believe that of most anyone.  But I don’t claim to be looking for friendship on these sites.  My mission is clear and focused.  Find people I’d like to date, and date them.  If we click a little, have fun.  If we click a lot, explore that potential.

Even more worrisome is that this casual hookup society I find myself in has truly shaken my faith in love.  I view it as a force , as a meta-force if you will; most forces can be described in terms of love or attraction.  I have faith in its inevitability, its power, its universal application.  But the fact that my experiences in the past two years are casting shreds of doubt in that faith shakes me down to my very core.  It scares me more than anything I’ve ever been scared of.  It threatens my foundations.

So think again before you throw in your towel and decide to become a hunter again .  It is not for the faint or the weak. As another friend of mine told me, encouraging me to just spend more time with my friends instead:  “Dating sucks!  We’re way more fun!”

“But Morgan!” you say.  “This post was called ‘In Defense of Dating’!  Not ‘Dating Sucks’!”

Yes, well.  I know, I sound a bit jaded and bitter.  I’m just doing a bit of dredging.  Believe me,  I still hold out hope, internets.  I’m a very hopeful type.  Perhaps one of you can convince me that there’s value in this twisted dance?  That there are people who don’t view relationships as a sport, to be won at any cost?

Here’s hopin’.

Thanks to my good friend Aaron, who brought his prodigious experience to bear on this topic, and to Michelle and her amazing Miracle in July for the Apture suggestion.  You both rock my world.

Hello internets.  I know, I know, it’s been a while, yes?  A good long while.  I’ve been pursuing various illegal non-writey-type interests, which of course leaves very little time for this blogging thing.

Or does it?

Actually, what you all may not know is that I actually have been blogging here.  LOTS AND LOTS.  It’s just all private, and NOT for public consumption.

Not that this post is going to be appropriate for public consumption either.  But more in a half naked soccer way, as opposed to a ranty vitriolic way.  I don’t know about you, but I’d be way more into some naked blog stories instead of blah blah drama blog stories, right?

Brace yourself, readers.  It’s gonna get a little steamy.

When I was a kid, I loved to play soccer.  My dad and I would go to the park across the street from our apartment, the crisp autumn air sparkling in the early morning sunshine.  I could do all those soccery tricks, bouncing the soccer ball back and forth on my knees to keep warm and ready, and we’d kick the ball around.  For a girl who isn’t really on speaking terms with her father, I think fondly on those memories as one of the times I really enjoyed spending time with him.

So.  Getting hot yet?  Yeah, me too. Ha! No no I kid.  Really.

Anyway, shoot forward a few years *cough* and here I am, not having played soccer since I was a kid, and I get this email:

Good morning!
You’re receiving this e-mail because you signed up for the Portland Netrippers e-mail list or have played with our soccer team in the past.As you may or may not know by now, the Netrippers are sending a team of ladies to Festival of the Babes 2009.  We’ve registered already, so now– we just need enough Babes to make up a team! That’s where you come in…

What’s Festival of the Babes (FOB)?
It’s an annual soccer tournament for lesbians “and those willing to be mistaken for one”, held up and down the West Coast. This year, it’s in San Francisco on Labor Day Weekend, Sept. 4th-6th. This is the 19th year of the tournament, and generally about 350 lesbians show up to play!… the games are held during the days, and there are excellent parties at night.

So….soccer, new friends, hot girls, and crazy parties.  In San Francisco.

SIGN ME THE FUCK UP.

The tournament was last weekend.  It was three days of hedonism a very enjoyable time!  And since I don’t think I saw any of you there, here are a few things I’d like to share with you, my dear readers, from that experience.  I’ll let you live vicariously through me THIS ONE TIME.

1. A soccer team of lesbians really can have a great weekend without any Ani Difranco being played.
2. Soccer refs who wear giant beer can costumes will give free kicks to players who can fall and not spill their beer.
3. At this particular kind of soccer tournament, you need to watch out for marauding gangs of hot soccer babes who will tackle you and pour alcohol down your throat, do nasty sexual acts upon your person, or both.  While you’re playing.
4. If you walk around San Francisco with a banner made of twine and lacy panties, and you and your teammate are each wearing one of the banner-ed lacy panties, thereby in essence attaching yourself to your teammate, no one will bat an eye or think that is strange in any way.
5. Nor will the liquor shop employee question your drunk ass when you flash a half-full flask of Jameson tucked into your bra and say “Gimme another one of these.”
6. Just because a girl is hot, doesn’t mean she’s a good kisser.
7. But don’t let that stop you from making out with her a good long time anyway.
8. Beer helps you play longer, because it makes all those nagging aches and pains and sore muscles go away.  Also, more serious injuries.
9. Not every gay female soccer team is hot.  Only most of them.  Especially if they have a team name like GI Janes.
10. Canadian women are crazy, friendly, and hot, and love giving away stuff.  They also love dressing up as lumberjacks.  And running around topless.
11. You really can party until 2am and then make it to a soccer game at 9am across town the next morning.  Your soccer skills may suffer, but hey, everyone else was at the party too.
12. It’s very easy to become accustomed to either randomly grabbing or being grabbed by women in public and have mutual sexual molestation commence.
13. It’s also very hard to readjust to ‘normal’ life where that behavior might be frowned upon.
14. The liver is an amazingly hardy organ, and can withstand immense amounts of abuse.
15. If you’re not having fun, you’re #doingitwrong.

So I return home with new friends, great memories, a well-boosted ego, sore muscles, a hangover to kill all hangovers, a sunburn (How in the heck *do* you get sunburned when it’s misting and cloudy half the day and you’re wearing sunscreen, anyway?), tons of missed sleep, and no regrets.

And that, my friends, is one awesome weekend.

Shall I speak of silence?
It flows from me like an invisible tidal wave
Perfectly formed in its silent conflagration

Shall I speak of caution?
It is a paroxysmal pursuit
Couched in silence, draped in regret.

Shall I speak, then, of regret?
It flows through me with no ripple or trace
Dealing damage only realized with time

Let me speak of desire unknown
It consumes me and is consumed
Until nothing is left but glowing, ashen remembrances

Silence, caution and regret.
A stalemated, paralyzing trinity
Enemies of desire.

Be willing to ask for help.

Be willing to help when asked.

It is these small gestures of

Giving and receiving

Needing and offering

That make up a life worth living.

Balance.

I have this friend.  We’ll call him…Jim.

He and I, we went through stuff together.  Lots n lots of stuff.  Some cool.  Some weird.  Some awesome.  Some of which I should most likely blog about someday.  All memorable.  And out of all that stuff, we have this huge, massive, totally-something-I-treasure-even-tho-I-only-see-him-every-couple-years cache of inside jokes.

I mean it’s kinda freaky sometimes.  I don’t see him for years, and the moment we get together, it’s like the time apart never happened.  It’s awesome.

So just for the heck of it, in honour of this friendship that I should totally cultivate way more than I have been, I offer this selection of THE BEST AND MOST FAVORITEST MONTY PYTHON VIDS EVAR.  Oh how I’ve missed these!

And if…uh…Jim sees this….

JIM.  No more butter scones for me Mater, I’m off to play the grand piano! Pardon me while I fly my aeroplane!

Everyone loses stuff.  For starters, you probably lost a good handful of hair today.

No?  Your wallet perhaps?  Gosh I hope not.  Losing your wallet is probably one of the worst things to lose, right?

Well I’m sure you lost something today.  Maybe just a couple hairs.  Your keys.  Some time.  Your way.

Sometimes though, you lose big things.  Big, by virtue of the size or amount of stuff lost.  Or big because the stuff lost was hard, or perhaps impossible, to replace.  Stuff that makes losing your wallet kind of …well, not quite as bad.

Don’t get me wrong, losing your wallet gives you days of headaches while you replace things.  I know, I’ve done it several times.  It’s not fun.  It sucks ass, in fact.  But really, the most important thing you lose is your time.

I’ve lost a lot of stuff along the way.  Lots.  Stuff that’s hard to replace.  And frankly, I’m glad about it.  By losing all that stuff, all those times, I’ve learned acceptance, to live in the moment, to find peace.  I’ve learned not to get attached to stuff.  Because it’s just that, stuff.  In the grand scheme of things, stuff is not what we’re here to collect.  We’re here to learn, grow, and connect with each other. Losing those connections is a far bigger tragedy.  Sadly, I’ve lost many of those too.

But there is one bit of stuff that I’ve never managed to come to terms with losing.  Something I cannot ever replace.  Something that has meaning only for me.  In memory of that bit of stuff, I give you this, something I wrote long ago.