Bork bork bork.

Howdy folks. I just wanted to let you know something.

Well, two things.

No, three.

Three, for real. Three.

Number one: I’ve been super busy as the lead organizer for WordCamp Portland 2010. In fact, I’m posting this from a geeky women unconference session. We did let some boys in, but they had to have either a daughter or a female dog.

Two. I’ve been trying to move this blog to a WPMU site for like, 6 months now. I haven’t made it yet. Of course, if I do it right, you won’t even notice. Wish me luck, cuz now that I”m a big fancy wordpress event organizer, I might have a few more contacts who can help me with this.

Three, and this is really the most important thing, because i’m super action excited about this: I thought of a way I want to repurpose this blog. Or not even repurpose, but add a dedicated running theme in here. Its AWESOME.

I call it: The Earworm Files.

Nummy! Right? Or actually it makes me think of that scene in The Wrath of Khan where Khan puts the nasty worm thingies in Chekhov’s ear, but whatever. The idea is that I always get these super random and sometimes obscure songs stuck in my ear. No really, WIERD AND RANDOM.

Like the theme from the Odd Couple.

Yeah, I know. I have no effin idea.

Stay tuned…

Xanadone.

I don’t care what you call it – two thousand ten, twenty ten, or oh ten – this year has gotten off to one craaaaaazy start!  I thought I ought to share.  Because this is interesting stuff.  My life is interesting!  Or at least there’s interesting people in it.  Right?  Considering I’m spending the next few weeks watching all of Farscape from season one again, I might be exaggerating.  A little.

Anyway, here’s the rundown of the past couple weeks, which were WAY more crazy then the next two are shaping up to be.

11/29/09: My birthday!  I have a birthday party.  There’s a theme.  It’s Xanadu!  I inflict this movie on all my friends.  Mercilessly.

12/16/09: I receive numerous emails from several friends and acquaintances that the Broadway musical Xanadu was coming to Portland in January.  And the tickets went on sale on my birthday, which just SMACKS of destiny, doesn’t it?  Seriously, like 3 people all emailed me THE SAME DAY.  I guess the word kinda got out that I like Xanadu.  But for the record, I just LIKE it.  It’s not like it’s my favorite movie of all time or anything.  It’s not, you know.

12/31/09: I start working with the wonderful folks at the Portland Opera to come up with some ideas on how to drum up interest for the show via the OurPDX blog.  We come up with some AWESOME ideas…

01/03/10: I post the first blog post on OurPDX.com.  It was brilliant, of course.  Inspired, you might say.  Because I am an artiste.  Or perhaps the Muses graced my keyboard?  Whatever.

01/04/10: The first of five days of Xanadu quiz questions on the Twitters.  It was (mostly) all tagged with the hashtag #pdxanadu. Strangely, for only having 5 days of quiz questions, we had EIGHT finalists!  Because I only use the minute hand when I check who answered first.  And Friday, there were a whole gaggle of people who answered within the same minute.  Lucky!

01/07/10: I get to interview Annie Golden, who plays Calliope.  The only person I’d ever interviewed for OurPDX before this was @mediachick.  That was great, of COURSE, but I mean…she’s my friend, and we hang out, and SHE MADE ME A PIE FOR MY BIRTHDAY.  This interview was someone famous, who I never met, over the phone.  So I was a touch nervous.  But it was FABULOUS! I spend all night and part of the next day writing up the blog post.  It seemed like something I ought to get up asap, you know?

01/09/10: @camikaos and I make OurPDX blogging history!  We co-blog a hilarious post as we announce the winner of the Xanadu tickets giveaway. (Grats, @blabbey!)

01/12/09: Cami and I head out to our big night at the Keller Auditorium.  We were sparkly.  Cami wore really big earrings.  I wore a lot of glitter.  We saw all sorts of friends, like @dieselboi and @anna_v and @mizd and @chefchopper!  The show was fabulous, the company was great, and of course we went for pie afterwards.  I think.  Did we go for pie?  Maybe I don’t remember exactly.  No, I’m pretty sure there was pie.

01/13/10: Since I was super smart and took half the day off the next day, it allowed Cami and I to write our second blog post where we regale the OurPDX readers with our wild tales of glitter and glam.  Plus I was hung over.

01/15/09: I head out to my second viewing of Xanadu.  I know, you’d think once was enough, but not for me, apparently.  Truth is, I sort of told some friends I’d go see it with them before this whole OurPDX thing started.  So you know, I had to keep my commitments.  This caused several cool things to happen:  I became Mayor of the Keller Auditorium on foursquare, and I got a second chance to get a backstage tour thanks to Annie!  We weren’t on the stage for 2 minutes however, before the company manager kicked us off the stage in the most polite way I’ve ever heard, and then complemented me on my blogging.  It seems she kept the cast apprised of my online Xanadu musings.  I LOVE NEW FANS.  We ended up standing outside in the rain, chatting, my friends and Annie and I.  With an umbrella.  Dang foreigners and their umbrellas.

So there it is.  My Xanadu exploits, compiled and presented to you, dear readers.  As for me, I think I’ve had my fill of Xanadu for a while.  Or until someone wants to watch it with me.  Anyone?

Anyone?

::crickets::

This is a test.

Hi internets. How are you doing? Good? Great.

I’m actually not writing this blog post at home. Which by itself is not so strange, although it has been a while since I wrote a post away from home. What is strange, however, is that I’m writing this blog post ON MY IPHONE. I know, huh? I mean can you picture me, out and about, doin my thang and writing posts on the fly? On the train? While out drinking with my pals? Spelunking through the woods? Hanging out at a geeky blogging conference?

Ahem.

Yeah ok, I’m at a WordPress camp, and learned about an awesome wordpress iPhone app. If you really must know.

And I can even take pics on my phone, and stick them right in my blog post without even skipping a beat. Or a talk. Or a beer. Or a dirty gin martini. VERY dirty.

The potential for awesome is endless, right? Yeah, I think so too.

By the way, this is where I am right now. So you can really visualize it. I’m all about sharing, you know.

Not until I give you permission.

And I absolutely positively CATEGORICALLY deny your request to leave.  I’m sorry, summer, you’re stuck here until I give the all clear.

And I haven’t sucked the marrow out of you quite yet.  In fact, I’ve been kinda sucking at the marrow sucking as of late.  Perhaps the hole is too narrow.  Perhaps my suction leaves something to be desired these days.  Whatever the case may be, this summer has not lived up to its glorious potential.

Not.

One.

Bit.

So I’m gonna need some more time, summer.  More time to lounge lazy in the sun, and putter in my yard, and be sexy at parties.  More time to go hiking.  More time to plunge the depths of cold mountain lakes.  More time to throw a stick endlessly for my dog.  More time for biking, and entertaining, and sunny days laughing with friends.  More time for barbecue, and eating dinner and drinking tea and reading on my patio.

So until I give you permission, summer, you’re not budging.  Suck it up.

Advice for the Eye Shy

I’m eye shy.

Yeah, I just coined that phrase.  Do you think I could get royalties?  Let the millions start rollin’ on in!

I will most likely never ever ever ever ever wear contacts.  Fortunately, I have superhuman vision, so that’s not an issue.

(No really.  The air force told me so.  I mean, everyone else has 20/20, but I’ve got 20/15.  That makes me superhuman, right?  Right?)

But never being able to use contacts is just the most egregious outcome of my eye shyness.  Using eye drops has always been probably one of the most tortuous endeavors I undertake.

Yes.  I said tortuous. As in, I never ever want to have to do that ever again.  No, I’m not exaggerating!  I NEVER exaggerate.

Well ok maybe occasionally.

That one time.

In Tucson.

Ok ok, yes I exaggerate.  A lot.  It’s an art form, really.  I mean, why should I deprive the Internets of my masterful use of language to demonstrate truly amazing feats of mental extrapolation?

ANYWAY. Tangent!  Back to the eye shyness thing.

So after years and years of wishing I could soothe my tired eyes, slowly burning (if you can name that album WITHOUT WIKIPEDIA’ing IT, you rock my world) with the wonders of modern medicine in the form of Visine, and yet avoiding it until I’m desperate because of how totally awful an experience it is, I have finally hit upon a solution.  And I thought, I know lots and lots of poor, eye shy folks out there who wish they could Visine up on those dusty days, those pollen-infested days, those long days of staring at computers.  I should share my solution with the WORLD!  So my fellow sufferers of eye shyness can finally soothe their poor, tired, red, burning eyes without fear.

Yep.  I’m amazing.  And generous.  And smart.

So here it is.  My solution.  (can I get a drum roll please?  No?  Drat.)

  1. Lie down on a comfortable surface.
  2. Wait!  Before you lie down, get your eye drops handy, and remove the cap.  Set it next to you.
  3. Ok, NOW lie down.
  4. Next to the eye drops.
  5. Because you want to be able to reach it without getting up, right?
  6. Ok.  Now, grab the eye drops.
  7. Don’t spill it!
  8. And be careful not to squeeze it, either!
  9. Turn the eye drops bottle so it’s horizontal, like so:img_0480
  10. Now, place the bottle so the threaded bit is resting on the bridge of your nose, and the opening is over this part of your eye, where the arrow is pointing:eye
  11. Take a deep breath!  It’ll be ok.  Trust me, I would NOT mess around with this subject.  Take another deep breath, while I explain a bit.
  12. See, that spot where the arrow is?  There’s a bit of a concave area formed by the eye and the nose.  Have you ever been crying while lying down, and all your tears kinda pool up in that spot?  That’s the effect we’re going for.
  13. Ok.  Now, eye drop bottle is in position.  Be careful!  Still no squeezing on the bottle, or the drops will drop out before we’re ready for them.
  14. Ok.  Now, here comes the tricky part.  It gets easier with practice, though.
  15. Close your eyes.  Take a deep breath.
  16. Take another deep breath.
  17. In…out.  Breathe.
  18. Relaxed?  Good.
  19. Gently squeeze the bottle, until a couple drops come out.  You may need to adjust your head back a bit to maximize the volume of that concaved area.
  20. You may startle a bit when the first drop hits.  Keep your eyes closed, though.
  21. Now, remove the bottle, being careful not to spill any drops from your little eye pool.
  22. Now…blink.  Quickly, slowly, whichever method works for you.
  23. Keep blinking.  I find that doing it really fast, while looking waaaaay up, works well.
  24. As you blink, the drops will slowly spread over your whole eye.  Ahhh….relief at last.
  25. Repeat as necessary.
  26. Because that wasn’t so bad AT ALL.  And it feels so good.
  27. SO good.

TADA!   Far better than trying to keep your eyes OPEN while you PUT STUFF IN IT, right?  People who can do that are weird.  They must have some sort of strange eye perversion.  Or something.

Feel free to send royalties, gushing admiration and undying loyalty.

Ok, so am I a writer *now*?

I’m excited.

Stoked.

Thrilled.

Giddy!  (yeah I know, I used that word again.  It’s a rare occurrence, really.)

In fact, if you could hear the chatter inside my head, it would sound something like this:

“omg omg omg omg omg omg omg yay!!!”

Pretty much that’s it.

So.  I guess you’re wondering why I’m all hyped up, happy, bouncing off stuff and…stuff.  Are you?  Really?

Ok.  I’ll tell you.

You ready?

Maybe you should sit down first.  I’ll wait.

……..

Sitting?  Ok.

<deep breath>

Ok.

I’m one of the newest writer/bloggers for OurPDX.net.

Allow me to give you a moment to just let that sink in.

……..

I KNOW HUH!!!!  HOW AWESOME IS THAT!!!!!

Pretty damn, my friends.  Pretty damn.

No worries about my slacking off on blogging here though.  OurPDX.net is all about Portland, so my PDX-type posts will be drifting over in that direction, but there’s oh so much more stuff I blog about than that.  I’ll let you know when I post over there, so you can hop over there and check it out too.  No worries!

In fact, check out my VERY FIRST POST, about how our own dear Mayor Sam forgot about bikes for the storm response survey they did last month.  Unbelievable, but true.

One final thought:

OMG YAY!

What do you do when you can’t blog?

You SUFFER.

Heh.  Perhaps that’s a bit strong?  Probably.  But still.

I have lots on my mind.  But I just can’t blog about it.  It’s stuff I just can’t safely release into the wilds of the interwebs with a clear conscience.  Believe me, I would if I could.  I even have a couple draft posts just sitting there, mocking me. 

I read them, and they say “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”

“Oh, it could be bad.  It could be very, very bad”, I answer.

But they continue to sit there, smirking.  Taunting me.  And I know that if I hit that “Publish” button, I would feel a moment of release, of accepting my fate, of peace. 

And it would last all of, oh, two seconds.

Because then the internal recriminations would begin, and the repurcussions…  Like a huge tsunami breaking over a sunny remote beach.  There you are, all happy happy joy joy, at peace with the world; next you’re pulling seaweed out of your teeth, getting knocked in the head with rocks and shells,  fish are bitch slapping you in the face with their tail, and you’re treading water like a banshee:

“Oh, crap.  You really, really shouldn’t have done that.  All hell is gonna break loose.  You knew that, why the f*ck did you publish that?!”  Etc, etc, etc.

And when the repurcussions of my little post start to hit (and they will.  Trust me, they will.):

“Told you you should’nt have published that.  Dumbass.”

Mind you, taken alone, those posts are pretty innocuous.  Like a little pebble.

A tiny little pebble, that when tossed in a lake, goes KAPOW, because what you didn’t realize is that tiny, innocent little pebble was coated with nitroglycerin.  Oops.

The last time I was in a position like this, I hit publish.

This time…I think I’ll close the browser.  But right after I publish this post…

Spreadin’ the blog love

My fellow bloggers have truly been outdoing themselves lately.  So I thought I’d just give a shout out to some great stuff they’ve been writing lately.  Hey, Valentine’s Day is coming, right?  What better way to spread some blogger on blogger love then to …ahem…expose each other ;)

@caseorganic, aka Amber Case, wrote a great post with five dating tips for nerds.  Very useful!  Plus, she quotes me, so you know it must be really good info. 

@melissalion, aka um, well Melissa Lion, has tasked us with crawling up from the muck that is our paltry existence, raise ourselves up and try to be her!  Oh happy day!  If you think you’re up to the task, my pretties, take a shot at The Melissa Lion International* Superiority Smugacity Self-Improvement Challenge.  I’m making chai.  From Starbucks. 

The Recovering Straight Girl has some food for thought on the idea that being gay is a choice.  I must say, I agree…whether or not it’s a choice, I wouldn’t want to be any other way.

Seems my love affair with PDX is rubbing off on people.  @jarvitron aka zenboy wrote this blog post about how much he loves Portland, too.  We should have a PDX love-in or something.

As far as work-type blogs go, one of my favorites is Web Worker Daily.  Although they tend to cater to gig workers, there’s still lots of great info.  And now, I have a go-to article to send all my friends to when I find myself at a loss to explain the coolness of Twitter, complete with some of its drawbacks.

And not the least, @cecivirtue posted some AMAZING phone pix of the opening night party of Coraline.  They had the actual sets on display at the party!  Wow.  Cherry blossoms done with spray painted popcorn?  Very, very cool.  Makes me miss my old movie construction days, when I built breakaway doors, installed fake plastic Japanese roof tiles, and got to play with gas torches to distress wood beams.  Ahh, movie magic.

Spread the blog love, and take a peek at some of my favorite bloggers.  Or check my new blogroll over there on the right.  Yeah over there.  Under my recent flickr pictures.  Read their stuff, and comment often.  They and I will appreciate it!

End Wordiness!

I had an epiphany today about my blog.  A blog-iphany.  I realized something amazing.

My blog posts don’t need to be three pages long!!!!

Whoa.  Really?  You mean, I can haz short blog posts?  Short and sweet?  To the point? (yeah, right.  Don’t hold your breath on that one.)

Oh My.  Yes.

So along the lines of End Bloglessness a few weeks ago and End Joblessness tomorrow (you should go!  GO!!!  What are you waiting for?  Go.), I hereby will End Wordiness.  Or at least, excessive, unnecessarily long blog posts with numerous topics all jumbled together just for the sake of making my posts long.  How dumb was that?  Shyeah.  Silly me.  I really was relying on all y’all to, you know, “guide” me along my little blog journey, keep me from going astray.  Frankly I think you guys let me down on this one, but no worries.  No harm no foul.  You had to read ‘em, right?  Right.

This doesn’t mean that I won’t be going all left field rants on you when the mood strikes.  But the house cleaning posts, not necessary.  Unless it’s about, well, house cleaning.  Or if it’s just a whole bunch of little related stuff.

Anyway.  Here’s a sample of what my shorter blog posts might look like, in the future:

I know what Skype is.  But it still doesn't sound like a nice thing to do to your friends and family.

I know what Skype is. But it still doesn't sound like a nice thing to do to your friends and family.

So there’s a charity wedding gown event at the hotel near where I work, in case anyone is interested.  And you can Skype your matrimonial finds to your friends and family, because you know any person buying a wedding gown clearly cannot make a decision on her (or his) own.  Clearly.  Anyone who doesn’t consult every last friend and relative is an alien, or a sociapath.  So please, skype that sequined, brocaded, appliqued satin/chenille/tulle gown.