The PDX Experience

I realized today that I have forgotten how to make a paper boat.

In a place like Portland, there is simply no excuse for such an oversight. I remember the sublime satisfaction I felt as a kid when I would make one; it had such heft and utility compared to a paper plane. Paper planes were cool and all, but the flight performance was always questionable. Not so with the boat; it would always float, and always follow the current. Where the plane was, well, flighty, the boat was reliable.

Here. Let me remedy this for all of us.

Now go. Go make a paper boat. And then, float it down the street towards the drain, and dream of ocean voyages. And pirates.

Autumn sunshine and autumn leaves conspire to wrap my vision in blazing colors, filling the day with warmth like that of a roaring fire, a cozy wool scarf, a creamy mug of hot cocoa. As if to say yes, the heat of summer is leaving, but there is warmth in winter too. And oh by the way, here is summer’s Grand Finale! I pronounce my requisite oohs and aahs, and shop for pretty big mugs, and contemplate knitting with alpaca.

Welcome, autumn.

Hello internets.  I know, I know, it’s been a while, yes?  A good long while.  I’ve been pursuing various illegal non-writey-type interests, which of course leaves very little time for this blogging thing.

Or does it?

Actually, what you all may not know is that I actually have been blogging here.  LOTS AND LOTS.  It’s just all private, and NOT for public consumption.

Not that this post is going to be appropriate for public consumption either.  But more in a half naked soccer way, as opposed to a ranty vitriolic way.  I don’t know about you, but I’d be way more into some naked blog stories instead of blah blah drama blog stories, right?

Brace yourself, readers.  It’s gonna get a little steamy.

When I was a kid, I loved to play soccer.  My dad and I would go to the park across the street from our apartment, the crisp autumn air sparkling in the early morning sunshine.  I could do all those soccery tricks, bouncing the soccer ball back and forth on my knees to keep warm and ready, and we’d kick the ball around.  For a girl who isn’t really on speaking terms with her father, I think fondly on those memories as one of the times I really enjoyed spending time with him.

So.  Getting hot yet?  Yeah, me too. Ha! No no I kid.  Really.

Anyway, shoot forward a few years *cough* and here I am, not having played soccer since I was a kid, and I get this email:

Good morning!
You’re receiving this e-mail because you signed up for the Portland Netrippers e-mail list or have played with our soccer team in the past.As you may or may not know by now, the Netrippers are sending a team of ladies to Festival of the Babes 2009.  We’ve registered already, so now– we just need enough Babes to make up a team! That’s where you come in…

What’s Festival of the Babes (FOB)?
It’s an annual soccer tournament for lesbians “and those willing to be mistaken for one”, held up and down the West Coast. This year, it’s in San Francisco on Labor Day Weekend, Sept. 4th-6th. This is the 19th year of the tournament, and generally about 350 lesbians show up to play!… the games are held during the days, and there are excellent parties at night.

So….soccer, new friends, hot girls, and crazy parties.  In San Francisco.

SIGN ME THE FUCK UP.

The tournament was last weekend.  It was three days of hedonism a very enjoyable time!  And since I don’t think I saw any of you there, here are a few things I’d like to share with you, my dear readers, from that experience.  I’ll let you live vicariously through me THIS ONE TIME.

1. A soccer team of lesbians really can have a great weekend without any Ani Difranco being played.
2. Soccer refs who wear giant beer can costumes will give free kicks to players who can fall and not spill their beer.
3. At this particular kind of soccer tournament, you need to watch out for marauding gangs of hot soccer babes who will tackle you and pour alcohol down your throat, do nasty sexual acts upon your person, or both.  While you’re playing.
4. If you walk around San Francisco with a banner made of twine and lacy panties, and you and your teammate are each wearing one of the banner-ed lacy panties, thereby in essence attaching yourself to your teammate, no one will bat an eye or think that is strange in any way.
5. Nor will the liquor shop employee question your drunk ass when you flash a half-full flask of Jameson tucked into your bra and say “Gimme another one of these.”
6. Just because a girl is hot, doesn’t mean she’s a good kisser.
7. But don’t let that stop you from making out with her a good long time anyway.
8. Beer helps you play longer, because it makes all those nagging aches and pains and sore muscles go away.  Also, more serious injuries.
9. Not every gay female soccer team is hot.  Only most of them.  Especially if they have a team name like GI Janes.
10. Canadian women are crazy, friendly, and hot, and love giving away stuff.  They also love dressing up as lumberjacks.  And running around topless.
11. You really can party until 2am and then make it to a soccer game at 9am across town the next morning.  Your soccer skills may suffer, but hey, everyone else was at the party too.
12. It’s very easy to become accustomed to either randomly grabbing or being grabbed by women in public and have mutual sexual molestation commence.
13. It’s also very hard to readjust to ‘normal’ life where that behavior might be frowned upon.
14. The liver is an amazingly hardy organ, and can withstand immense amounts of abuse.
15. If you’re not having fun, you’re #doingitwrong.

So I return home with new friends, great memories, a well-boosted ego, sore muscles, a hangover to kill all hangovers, a sunburn (How in the heck *do* you get sunburned when it’s misting and cloudy half the day and you’re wearing sunscreen, anyway?), tons of missed sleep, and no regrets.

And that, my friends, is one awesome weekend.

And I absolutely positively CATEGORICALLY deny your request to leave.  I’m sorry, summer, you’re stuck here until I give the all clear.

And I haven’t sucked the marrow out of you quite yet.  In fact, I’ve been kinda sucking at the marrow sucking as of late.  Perhaps the hole is too narrow.  Perhaps my suction leaves something to be desired these days.  Whatever the case may be, this summer has not lived up to its glorious potential.

Not.

One.

Bit.

So I’m gonna need some more time, summer.  More time to lounge lazy in the sun, and putter in my yard, and be sexy at parties.  More time to go hiking.  More time to plunge the depths of cold mountain lakes.  More time to throw a stick endlessly for my dog.  More time for biking, and entertaining, and sunny days laughing with friends.  More time for barbecue, and eating dinner and drinking tea and reading on my patio.

So until I give you permission, summer, you’re not budging.  Suck it up.

I’ve had my new 16GB* 3Gs iPhone for a week.  Now that the hype is over, the dust has settled, the protective film and case have been purchased and applied…  Was it worth the $199 bucks to upgrade from my original, 2G version?  Here’s my analysis.

1. Camera: One of the biggest improvements has been the camera.  The quality of picture is clearly better, which isn’t surprising given the move from 2 megapixels to 3.  Combine that with the autofocus, tap to focus and geotagging of pictures, makes this a winner for me.  Especially since the camera I use for my amateur photography is on the fritz, this is a nice way to fill in the gap – although it would never suffice as my serious I’m-an-amateur camera.
2. Video: Of course the other big bonus for me is the video recording.  It’s amazing what people will do after you videotape them and then show them the “Send to YouTube” button.  My blackmail potential has increased exponentially!  The video quality is decent (VGA up to 30 fps with audio), plus you can trim the video right on the phone.  For longer video, when you tap and hold a section of the video, the frames will spread out in that area so you can get pretty granular.  Very nice touch.  And of course geotagging of video is seamless, just like the photo geotagging.
3. Speed: Like I said, I’ve been using the original 2G iPhone this whole time, so the move to the 3G network has been very nice.  With the 2G, browsing over the Edge network could be painfully slow. Not so with the 3G – it rivals the speed of a wifi connection.  I’m not sure whether or not the Safari improvements improved browser speed.  I haven’t seen any noticeable improvements over wifi between the 2G and the 3Gs, but I haven’t used the new phone over wifi networks a lot yet.  I have yet to enable my phone for my home wifi network, and haven’t been bothered by that too much, since 3G is so comparable.
4. Battery Life: It’s a little difficult to determine if the battery life is improved, as Apple claims.  I kept my 2G pretty constantly plugged in; I had a charger in the bedroom, one in the car, and one at work, in order of frequency of use.  However, the 3Gs does not support the charging feature of the FM transmitter/charger I use in my car, so I haven’t been able to replicate my charging habits with the new iPhone.  Suffice to say, I run out of juice a lot faster, it seems; but I do use my phone nearly every time I drive to play music, and now that is sucking juice that wasn’t getting sucked before, so to speak.  I have noticed that there is FAR less interference with the transmission than before when I don’t enable Airplane mode, as the phone suggests I do when I plug it in.  In fact, the interference was very noticeable and could get quite annoying with the 2G, especially when the phone was checking mail or receiving a call; now, there is virtually none whatsoever.  Very nice.
5. Voice Control: This feature is one I’m finding I like using more and more.  I just wish I could voice control the current time when I’m wearing my headphones!  It has made mistakes on occasion, but I find that half the time, the problem was me saying the command wrong (“play <artist name>” instead of “play artist <artist name>”).  Other incorrect results are fixed by just talking a touch slower.  I would say it gets it right about 85% of the time or more, however, even when I completely butcher which playlist I’m requesting.  I suppose it helps that I only have a handful of playlists, too.
6. Assisted GPS: Now this one is the feature that I’ve been dying for.  I used the mapping on my 2G constantly, and have often wished for more accuracy and better updating of my current location to see if I’m on target to reach my destination.  As recently as a few weeks ago in Boston, I ended up walking several blocks in the wrong direction because of the slowness of the updating.  When I got my 3Gs, I swear I watched myself driving to work the first couple of days.  Probably not a smart thing to do while driving on the freeway!  I was probably giggling maniacally as well, but was too giddy to notice.  It’s everything I was hoping for – accurate to within 10-50 feet, and constantly updating.  I love it.

There’s other stuff that came with the new software and hardware; cut and paste, shake to undo, digital compass, a fingerprint-resistant coating, and lots more I’m sure.  But these six are the ones that stand out for me at the moment.

So was it worth it?  I think so.  I don’t think it would have been worth it if I’d had to pay the full price, but since I was due for my upgrade through AT&T, I was approved for the lower price.  At $199, I think the improved camera, video, assisted GPS, and voice control are totally worth it.  Plus, I dropped my expanded text messaging plan, so my monthly bill dropped by 5 dollars.  All in all, I’m quite pleased with my decision.

*I didn’t get the 32GB, since my 2G was 16GB and I barely used 5GB of that after 18 months or so.  I carry about 500-1000 songs, 200-300 pictures, and 3-4 screens of apps; with the addition of video, I will probably see an increase in my average memory usage, but I don’t think that will amount to 10GB worth.

A very very bad thing happened to me last night.  A gruesome, bone-chilling thing.

Allow me to set the scene.

One of the things I love about my house is warm nights on my front porch.  Sitting in my low lawn chair with a tasty drink, watching the ebb and flow of the night take hold of my little neighborhood, I can feel the knots in my head and heart loosen, the constrictions ease.

Last night was the first time it was warm enough for me to partake in this little ritual of mine.  I sat on my porch with my trusty little pooch (No, I don’t want to play frisbee.  No, I don’t want to play fetch.  No, I don’t want to play frisbee…etc).  Tasty drink in hand, my own little summer concoction of OJ, Malibu and 7-up (very refreshing!), I settled in to watch the night slowly creep down my street.  Little did I realize, I would soon be coming face to face with something so horrible, so terrible…dare I go on?  Dare I retell this story?

I do.

As usual, I finally gave in to my pup’s insistence that I play with her.  (Really, it’s not hard.  I’m such a pushover for that dog.)  I step off the porch, over to the grass to play with her.  That’s when it happened.

I stepped on something.

Did I not mention I was barefoot?  Yeah, barefoot.  And I stepped on something.  Squishy.  Gooey.  Slimy.

And then…the horrible part happened.  Even now, the thought gives me chills.

Whatever I stepped on, whatever gooey slimy squishy nasty thing it was…moved.

On my bare foot.

Squishy gooey nasty slimy MOVING thing*.  ON MY BARE FOOT.

Of course, my first instinct was what any sensible girl would do:  Start leaping about screaming bloody carnage-drenched murder while frantically sandpapering my foot with gravel and rocks and dirt and …probably actual sandpaper too.  Yeah, it was that bad.  But not me, my friends.  Not me.

Because I have a mental constitution of IRON.  I am IRON BRAINED GIRL.  I keep cool under pressure.  I don’t sweat.  I don’t break down.

All that breaking down, freaking out, crying panicking overreacting girly stuff – I just save it up for later.

(What?  Sheesh I’m only human!)

What I did do, is instead of all that ZOMG THAT IS SO GROSS EWW EWW EWW EWW that my brain starting queueing up, instead of that I said this:

“lalallalalalalalalalala that didn’t just happen that didn’t just happen lalalalalalalalalala i’m just gonna calmly scrape my foot on this here welcome mat that feels like sandpaper LALALALALALALALALAAAAAA”.

And then I went back inside and took a shower.  And finished my drink.  And attempted to completely erase the memory of that gooey slimy squishy MOVING thing on my foot.

I am a rock of mental fortitude.

There’s an ugly rumour going around that I have allergies.

Pshaw, I say.  Poppycock.  Rubbish!  Slander, even!!

Ok, I used to have allergies.  I used to be terribly allergic to dogs growing up.

And yet…my entire childhood, we always had a dog, and I’m glad we did.  Not just any dog, either, but for the majority of my childhood we had a Great Pyrenees.  Think German Shepherd size, maybe a little bigger.  Think HAIRY.  SUPER SUPER HAIRY.  (Or just check the official AKC page I linked to right there.  That’s what he looked like.)  I just had to learn what I could and could not do; i.e. for the most part I had to avoid getting too up close and personal (think big puppy dog hugs, those were out), as well as small enclosed environment, such as car rides with the windows all rolled up.

However, as I grew older, my allergies become less and less pronounced, until finally, they were mostly an afterthought, especially after I quit smoking.

So a few years back (pre-quitting smoking), I had this allergy test thing done.  I was having some issues with the dog I was living with at the time, so I wanted to rule out other stuff.

The result came back: HIGHLY ALLERGIC to Dogs, Cats and Grass.

Riiiiight.  Whatevs, Mr. Allergy Dude.

Because the whole time I had dog allergies growing up and lived with the dog, I also lived with at least two cats.  And I most certainly came in close proximity to them, often.  (Much to their endless chagrin, I’m sure.)  And I lived across the street from a pretty large park.  And then, we moved to New Hampshire, which is at least 98.3% grass.

And now?  I will occasionally have an evening where I can feel the scratchy throat, but other than that, nothing.  I have my own dog, and live with two others, I have a cat, I mow my lawn.

Take that, allergies!

And seasonal allergies?  I always felt bad for the poor chaps who were afflicted every spring, but not me.  I always welcomed spring with open arms and nasal passages.

Until now.  The past 36 hours or so have been pure misery.

So clearly there must be some fluke, right?  Some strange occurrence that makes this pollen season different, or worse, or …freaky?

Well.  I have a theory, you see.  Check out my post on ourpdx.net for my brilliant conclusion.

Theories aside, however…I’m getting cozy with a little thing called Loratadine, aka Claritin.  Which, I’ve found out since my little outburst on twitter last night, takes a few days to kick in.

I wonder if hot toddies will speed the effectiveness of the drugs?  Well, only one way to find out…

Remember my tale of three bamboo?  At the end I mentioned going to Andy and Bax to get a machete in case my bamboo REALLY got outta control.  As in, became sentient and started chasing me and my trusty pooch around the yard.

Well that got me thinkin, see.  About a couple things.

One, is I actually did go to Andy and Bax once and buy a machete.  No clue what happened to it.  I think maybe there were blackberries, and I’m not the kind of girl who can just break out the little pruning shears.  No, I have to go all big time and get a machete, and pretend I’m in the amazon.  I think there may have been some camping usage too.   And of course that one time when that burglar broke in…

Ok, I’m kidding about the camping.

No no, ok I was kidding about the burglar.  But if there had been a burglar, he or she would have been SORRY.  Or at least immensely entertained.

So yes, I have a thing for knives.  And fire.  I like having reasons to use them.  Purely lawful, sane reasons, of course!  Like whacking through underbrush.  Chopping and burning large pieces of wood into smaller ones for various warmth/building/artistic reasons.  (I actually got paid to do that last one once!  Oh, the awesome.  I love movie set work.)  Keeping warm.  Carving a wooden life size kodiak bear.

Ok ok, I was kidding about the bear.  I think.

Really, perhaps now you understand the sheer beauty that is my very own fire pit.  I get to chop up wood.  I get to burn it.  And no one gets hurt.  Mostly.

Which leads me to the story I’d like to regale you with today:

“Knife Safety Class with Morgan, Senior Girl Scout Camp Counselor, Camp Arrowhead, 199…(um)…1995.  Stevenson(ish), Washington.”

I taught a knife safety class to my unit one day, late in the afternoon, before it was time to march back to base camp for dinner.  My unit was camped further than nearly all the other units, since it was one of the oldest.  Our little camp was about a mile hike away from Home Base.  The class went as follows.

First, I demonstrated knife safety with a swiss army knife.  Always hand it to people handle first.  Always pay attention.  Face the blade away from you when collapsing it.  All good, everyone’s paying attention.  A little bit on sharpening blades.

Next, we take a look at the humble camping axe.  Good for chopping small branches and such for firewood.  Use both hands when possible.  Know where you’re aiming for, make sure your hands and feet are out of the way.  Not something the campers would be asked to do, except in emergencies.  Got it?  Good.  Moving on…

Now, being one of the older units, as well as one of the furthest out, we had a wood chopping axe.  Big, long handle, kinda old.  So me and my obsession with large knives is patently unable to resist.  Yes, I’m going to demonstrate to 11-13 year old girls the proper way to chop wood.  Because they need to know this.

I know, I think I mentioned a couple posts ago that I am occasionally a dumbass.  Save it.

So, place the wood on the chopping log.  Up, over the head goes the axe.  Down comes the axe…

On my foot.

Ow.

FUCKING OW.

OM-MF-G FUCKING OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am proud to say that I did not swear audibly in front of my young, impressionable charges.  The preceding statements were all inside my head.  What can I say, I handle crisis, and pain, pretty well.  But oh lord did that ever hurt.

It was at this point that I noticed my entire unit, as well as my junior counselor, staring at me with wide eyes, and a hush had fallen over the campsite.

So I extract myself from the fetal position I was working towards, and with a big smile say “It’s all good!  I’m ok.  Good boots, you know.”

Luckily, the boots did hold, and I sustained nothing more than a gruesome-looking bruise on the top of my foot.

The moral of this story?

Don’t be a dumbass.  And take your own damn advice.  Knives are DANGEROUS!

Although, I’m still thinking of going to get that machete.  Burglars, you know.

Right.  I know, it snowed the other day.  I figure, it don’t stick, it don’t count, right?  And yes, I heard Dave Salesky saying it’s gonna snow tomorrow, too. 

And that, my friends, will make SEVENTEEN days of snow this winter!

But!  There was that one day last week.  Were you there?  Did you see it?  It was warm!  I took my jacket off!  I wore my sunglasses!

Well, I mean, I often wear my sunglasses even when it’s cloudy.  Cloud glare, you know.  Anyway…

It was just one day.  But hear me, my fellow PDXers:  Spring, she is a-comin!

It’s hard to believe it after the winter we’ve had.  But buck up, lil’ buckaroos.  There’s stuff sprouting.  The sun is warming.  Trees are shooting!  Err, you know, putting out shoots!  My bike gloves are looking awfully tempting!  My hyacinths are BLOOMING!  Seriously, like out of the ground, flowers, all…bloomed.  (I tried shoving ‘em back in, telling them it’s too early, but they didn’t seem to like that too much.)  My fave Springwater Corridor Trail will be seeing my return soon!  Joy.  Happy sigh, even.

SO!  In honour of this impending nice weather craziness that is looming in our future (oh please!  Loom!  LOOM FASTER!), how about getting out to get that Springwater Corridor Trail, and the Johnson Creek Watershed it’s in, all spruced up for springtime?

Well, then, block March 7th on your iPhones, because it’s the 11th Annual Watershed Wide Work Party!  Complete with Volunteer Appreciation Luncheon!  (*cough* free lunch *cough*)  Come on out and lend a hand, meet your fellow PDX-lovin’ neighbors, get some fresh (hopefully springy!) air, exercise and fun!  And hello, free food.  Did I mention the free food? 

I, alas, will not be able to join you.  Please go in my stead.  Represent, and stuff.  I will be working VERY, VERY hard to facilitate the return of ORBlogs to our beloved PDX interweb at the first ORBlogs Code Sprint, kindly hosted by our friends at CubeSpace.  So if you’re not feeling up to the task of watershed sprucing, come and hang out at CubeSpace and lend a hand to make ORBlogs a thing of beauty for all of us to use.

Huzzah for Volunteers!