I totally had an awesome picture for this post, but then my iPhone crashed and I lost it. Fiddlesticks.
A couple weeks ago, I walked from my house to the Bipartisan Cafe. It’s a cozy little coffeeshop over on SE Stark and 79th, with great pie, minimal discernible ‘tude, Norman Rockwells on the wall and an inauguration day countdown on the door.
But that’s not what I want to talk about.
What I want to talk about, is crabs. Those shuffly side-scootin pinchy little carrion-eaters of the deep. Perhaps the mice to PETA’s sea kittens?
Side note: Speaking of sea kittens…Did you see the recent Colbert Report where he says if fish are sea kittens, that means he gets to start eating Land Fish. Yummy land fish! Mmmm….
Lots of people I know like crab, to varying degree. Crab cakes, crab dip, king crab, baked alaska…oh wait. Baked alaska isn’t crab, is it. Sounds crabby though, doesn’t it?
I don’t like crab. Not really a big crab fan. I just don’t find insectoid beings particularly appetizing. I’ve dissected large insects, and that’s what I think of when it comes to crabs. And lobsters too, but I’ve never killed a lobster.
I have killed a crab. And it was GRUESOME.
I mean seriously, what the heck is wrong with me? I ended up with a life-changing moral crisis after deep sea fishing in Mexico, so I no longer can really bring myself to go fishing. And I liked to go fishing. But the crab incident, while not as impactful as the Bahia de Banderas affair, also sticks in my mind.
So as I said before, walking through a sunny SE neighborhood on my way to Bipartisan Cafe, I come across a notice of a Crab Feed at the Ascension Catholic Church.
I assume when most people see something like that, they think of buttery crab legs and nutcrackers and stuff.
I, however, am graced with an image of my first and last experience going crabbing, and killing a crab.
We brought in a pretty good haul, about 8-10 or so that day, and this was a week long trip up to Blaine, Washington with the ex’s family. The killing happened thus: Take crab from large container. Place crab on sheet of plywood on ground, on its back. Place piece of broom handle along crabs chest, parallel to legs. Press down until it cracks. Simple, right? Yep simple. Except for the screaming, and the flailing of legs, trying to grasp the broom handle. Did I mention the screaming? Did you know crabs scream? Yeah. Not so fun.
I guess it all boils down to this for me: If I’m going to kill something with the intention of eating it, there needs to be two requirements met. First, I have to NEED the food. As in, there’s no store for miles, I have no food, and if I don’t kill this animal, I may starve. SECOND, I have to be prepared to actually EAT what I kill. As in, I will eat this creature, and I either like the taste, or don’t care (see requirement #1).
And with that, I’m off to go have a Mcmenamin’s burger. Yummy. Perhaps I’ll get the Land Fish special?