Google me this…

Google me this, interwebs.

One of my favorite things about website stats tracking are the search terms that people use which somehow leads them to wind up on my blog.  Is it fate that guides your little optical mouse to click that one search result of about 95,600,000 (0.09 seconds)?  Destiny?  Kismet perhaps?  (WTF is kismet anyway?  I suppose I could google it…)

I thought I’d take a moment to share some of the more…interesting…google searches which have ended on my little blog’s doorstep.  I have not changed any of the formatting or spelling, with the exception of bolding the text.  Enjoy.

SONGS of losing YOUR GRANDPA and replacing the love to a dog : Wow.  That’s kinda sad.  But you know, that has just GOT to be a country song.  I’m afraid my blog was most likely of no help, since I pretty much can’t stand the majority of country music.  I mean, there are exceptions, of course.  I’m not completely twang-averse.  But mainstream pop country…blech.  Now, gimme some Be Good Tanyas…that’s not half bad.

portland : Well now.  I’m all a-twitter (and really, what does that phrase mean now, with Twitter on the scene?  I wonder) about the fact that Google searches for my dear Portland are winding up on my humble little slice of the interwebs.  I hope I’m doing right by you, my dear town.  P to the D to the X!

why lying is good : I’ve actually gotten this one several times.  Lying is bad, interwebs!  Bad bad bad!  Not that I don’t do it, but I try not to, and really it just ends badly when you do!  Trust me, I know.  Unless, of course, you’re telling me how awesome I and/or my blog is.  Then, by all means, LIE.  Oh yeah, babe.  Lie to me.

could : Um, honestly?  Really?  I just don’t see how this as a Google search could be of any use to anyone.  I mean really, how could it?  (Did you see that there?  I used the word could.  Hah.)  How many hits did you get?  I’m sure the numbers would give a super action liquid cooled quad processor pause.  And more importantly…how did my blog get on that list, and high enough that you’d click the link?  Baffling.  Truly, baffling.

how to survive a hanging : Ok people, we’ve gone over this before.  I won’t ask why you’re trying to survive a hanging.  But you know, unless you’ve got Billy the Kid or Zorro vested in your mortality, then I’m thinking your chances are not very good.

great : Yes, well, my blog is pretty dang great.  I’ve always thought so.  So nice to have confirmation.  But again, much like the whole ‘could’ thing…really?  What good is a google search for great?

Wait.  Someone did a google search for ‘great’ and MY BLOG SHOWED UP.  I hereby dub myself the Queen Of the Interwebs!!  Bow before me!

taglents : WTF is a taglent??  And why is my blog coming up on Google searches for taglents?

<pause for quick googling>

Oooooh tag lents!  as in tag: Lents, as in lents springwater corridor!

All is clear to me now, grasshopper.  Google has shown the way with its awesome algorithms.

things to remember when it comes to knife safety : Uhh…I know I was a girl scout camp counselor and stuff, but I’m probably not the best person to come to for knife safety.  Basically, the pointy end doesn’t go into the other man, or anyone for that matter.  Unless you’re a surgeon, I suppose.  Or in a duel.  Then, certainly, the pointy end goes into the other man.

speaking in tongues music and trees : I’ve read this phrase again and again and again.  And then a couple more times.  And this is what I get.  Are you singing in tongues under trees?  Are the trees speaking in tongues?  Is there a song about speaking in tongues?  With trees?  I mean, I’m all about music and nature, dude, but the speaking in tongues thing?

I even googled the phrase.  Talking Heads?  But what’s with the trees?

So confused.

what happends when you put music by a fish : I’m just gonna go WAAAAY out on a limb here and say…Nothin.

I have fish.  They’re worse than bunnies.

explain the phrases in how do i love thee let me count the ways : See, I told you people were coming to my blog to find out about that poem.  Now didn’t I.

Fear not, my brave answer-seeking interwebs!  I will not let you down!

bamboo related injuries : Uh, bamboo is a….plant.  That doesn’t move.  And has no sharp bits.  Unless of course you 1. use it to create some sort of pointy tool or 2. THE TRIFFIDS HAVE ARRIVED!  I’m going with explanation 2.  Ockham’s Razor be damned!  RUN, INTERWEBS!  RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!!

Heh.  Crazy googlers.

Spreading Pure Imagination, or Once Again Catering to My Readers

Remember a while back when I said I was creepily high on Google search for “surviving hanging”, and had an inordinate number of hits for that exact topic?  Right?  Well, not any more, my friends.   Not anymore.  Apparently web searches have gotten all cerebral and literate – or are at least making an attempt at it.  Kudos, interwebs!  Read stuff!  And I’m here to help!

Lately, many of my search hits revolve around two particular phrases which I’ve used in my blog posts.  I tend to do that occasionally, and rarely do I ever think to actually tell you from whence those particular snippets of juicy eruditeness originate.  So I thought, since people are hitting my site for this info, well, I wouldn’t want them to be disappointed, right?  I know how disappointed I’d be if say, I was searching for the lyrics to Hava Nagila, and all I could find was some blog post that said “He handed me a drink, and then I got all Hava Nagila on his ass” without any explanation of what the heck a hava nagila is, not to mention why it would get on some guy’s ass.  And I’m still lyric-less.

(And incidentally – here’s the lyrics to Hava Nagila.)

So be disappointed no more, interwebs!  Here’s the back story to the phrases:

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways…

The first one that I keep getting hits for is “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.”  I paraphrased the first line from this poem by Elizabeth Barret Browning in my Valentine’s Day Crawl post.  Appropriate, no?  Anyway, the poem is #43 from her most famous collection, Sonnets from the Portuguese.  From Wikipedia: “By far the most famous poem from this collection, with one of the most famous opening lines in the English language, is number 43”.  Hey, I have high standards.  For another one of my favourite Victorian-era love poems, I gotta go with that randy, haggis-eating Scottish chap, Robert Burns:

O my Luve’s like a red, red rose
That’s newly sprung in June:
O my Luve’s like the melodie
That’s sweetly play’d in tune.

As fair art thou, my bonnie lass,
So deep in luve am I:
And I will luve thee still, my dear,
Till a’ the seas gang dry:

Till a’ the seas gang dry, my dear,
And the rocks melt wi’ the sun;
I will love thee still, my dear,
While the sands o’ life shall run.

And fare thee weel, my only Luve
And fare thee weel, awhile!
And I will come again, my Luve,
Tho’ it were ten thousand mile.

Good DAY sir.  I said GOOD DAY!

The second search I noticed pinging my humble little blog is “I said GOOD DAY SIR. GOOD DAY!”  which is the title for a blog post I wrote about being a bit miffed about some silly thing.  Now that line comes pretty much straight from Gene Wilder’s lips in Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory.  The full text:

Grandpa Joe: Mr. Wonka?
Willy Wonka: [pointedly ignoring them] I am extraordinarily busy, sir.
Grandpa Joe: [tentatively] I just wanted to ask about the chocolate – Uh, the lifetime supply of chocolate… for Charlie. When does he get it?
Willy Wonka: He doesn’t.
Grandpa Joe: Why not?
Willy Wonka: Because he broke the rules.
Grandpa Joe: What rules? We didn’t see any rules. Did we, Charlie?
Willy Wonka: [springs up from his chair, angrily] Wrong, sir! Wrong! Under section 37B of the contract signed by him, it states quite clearly that all offers shall become null and void if – and you can read it for yourself in this photostatic copy [grabs a magnifying glass and reads]
Willy Wonka: – “I, the undersigned, shall forfeit all rights, privileges, and licenses herein and herein contained,” et cetera, et cetera…”Fax mentis incendium gloria cultum,”  et cetera, et cetera…”Memo bis punitor delicatum!”
[slams the magnifying glass down, shouts]
Willy Wonka: It’s all there, black and white, clear as crystal! You stole fizzy lifting drinks. You bumped into the ceiling which now has to be washed and sterilized, so you get *NOTHING*! You lose! Good day sir!
Grandpa Joe: [shocked] You’re a crook. You’re a cheat and a swindler! That’s what you are!
Grandpa Joe: How could you do a thing like this, build up a little boy’s hopes and then smash all his dreams to pieces? You’re an inhuman monster!
Willy Wonka: [shouts even louder] I said “Good day!”
Grandpa Joe: Come on, Charlie, Let’s get out of here. I’ll get even with him if its the last thing I’ll ever do. If Slugworth wants a gobstopper, he’ll get one.

Yeah I switched it a little bit.  But the effect remains the same, no?

So there you have it.  All the literary references my readers have been clamoring – yes CLAMORING! – for.  Look out!  Next I’m gonna get all Shakespearean and translate into modern terms the most excellent tips Polonius imparted to his son Laertes before he went out into the big blue world.  Because you need that, right?  And don’t think I can’t!  And from now on, I’ll let you know where I gleaned my little tidbits of literary goodness, never fear.  Go read, interwebs!

What are you waiting for?  Go!!

How to survive hanging, or catering to my readers

Ok. Ok ok ok ok, fine.

So, I have this friend, see.  She’s living here for a couple years, but she’s originally from Israel.  Haifa.  She’s had a couple of friends fly out to visit, and when they do, she likes to take them for the Requisite Portland to Hood River Gorge Tour.  She usually invites me along.  I dunno, maybe cuz I’m funny.  Or, I’m the token American. 

The first time, I was inspired by the trip to blog about it.  I titled the blog post “Hebrew 101, or How to Survive Hanging Out with Crazy Israelis”.  It was pretty damn funny, I thought. 

(Apparently my Israeli friends thought so too, since they spammed the post via email to everyone they know.  I now get regular .il readers.  Heh, cool.  I think?)  

Anyway, I digress.  This blog post had a completely unintended side effect.  Unintended, and quite disturbing.  Creepy, you might say.  Bizarre, at the least.  What is it?  Are you on the edge of your seat yet? 

I get a LOT of hits from search engines on ‘how to survive hanging’.  I think I’m number 4 on google.  Yeeesh.

Edge of your seat, indeed.  Just don’t slip, ok????  That’s tip number one.

Right.  So, for all of you who happen upon my blog because they’re trying to figure out if they can survive hanging, here is my service to you (thanks to @mercuryPDX for these tips):

1. Avoid noose-like constructs.

2. Wear an iron dickie.

3. Always carry a box knife.

There you go.  Hope that helps.