Google me this…

Google me this, interwebs.

One of my favorite things about website stats tracking are the search terms that people use which somehow leads them to wind up on my blog.  Is it fate that guides your little optical mouse to click that one search result of about 95,600,000 (0.09 seconds)?  Destiny?  Kismet perhaps?  (WTF is kismet anyway?  I suppose I could google it…)

I thought I’d take a moment to share some of the more…interesting…google searches which have ended on my little blog’s doorstep.  I have not changed any of the formatting or spelling, with the exception of bolding the text.  Enjoy.

SONGS of losing YOUR GRANDPA and replacing the love to a dog : Wow.  That’s kinda sad.  But you know, that has just GOT to be a country song.  I’m afraid my blog was most likely of no help, since I pretty much can’t stand the majority of country music.  I mean, there are exceptions, of course.  I’m not completely twang-averse.  But mainstream pop country…blech.  Now, gimme some Be Good Tanyas…that’s not half bad.

portland : Well now.  I’m all a-twitter (and really, what does that phrase mean now, with Twitter on the scene?  I wonder) about the fact that Google searches for my dear Portland are winding up on my humble little slice of the interwebs.  I hope I’m doing right by you, my dear town.  P to the D to the X!

why lying is good : I’ve actually gotten this one several times.  Lying is bad, interwebs!  Bad bad bad!  Not that I don’t do it, but I try not to, and really it just ends badly when you do!  Trust me, I know.  Unless, of course, you’re telling me how awesome I and/or my blog is.  Then, by all means, LIE.  Oh yeah, babe.  Lie to me.

could : Um, honestly?  Really?  I just don’t see how this as a Google search could be of any use to anyone.  I mean really, how could it?  (Did you see that there?  I used the word could.  Hah.)  How many hits did you get?  I’m sure the numbers would give a super action liquid cooled quad processor pause.  And more importantly…how did my blog get on that list, and high enough that you’d click the link?  Baffling.  Truly, baffling.

how to survive a hanging : Ok people, we’ve gone over this before.  I won’t ask why you’re trying to survive a hanging.  But you know, unless you’ve got Billy the Kid or Zorro vested in your mortality, then I’m thinking your chances are not very good.

great : Yes, well, my blog is pretty dang great.  I’ve always thought so.  So nice to have confirmation.  But again, much like the whole ‘could’ thing…really?  What good is a google search for great?

Wait.  Someone did a google search for ‘great’ and MY BLOG SHOWED UP.  I hereby dub myself the Queen Of the Interwebs!!  Bow before me!

taglents : WTF is a taglent??  And why is my blog coming up on Google searches for taglents?

<pause for quick googling>

Oooooh tag lents!  as in tag: Lents, as in lents springwater corridor!

All is clear to me now, grasshopper.  Google has shown the way with its awesome algorithms.

things to remember when it comes to knife safety : Uhh…I know I was a girl scout camp counselor and stuff, but I’m probably not the best person to come to for knife safety.  Basically, the pointy end doesn’t go into the other man, or anyone for that matter.  Unless you’re a surgeon, I suppose.  Or in a duel.  Then, certainly, the pointy end goes into the other man.

speaking in tongues music and trees : I’ve read this phrase again and again and again.  And then a couple more times.  And this is what I get.  Are you singing in tongues under trees?  Are the trees speaking in tongues?  Is there a song about speaking in tongues?  With trees?  I mean, I’m all about music and nature, dude, but the speaking in tongues thing?

I even googled the phrase.  Talking Heads?  But what’s with the trees?

So confused.

what happends when you put music by a fish : I’m just gonna go WAAAAY out on a limb here and say…Nothin.

I have fish.  They’re worse than bunnies.

explain the phrases in how do i love thee let me count the ways : See, I told you people were coming to my blog to find out about that poem.  Now didn’t I.

Fear not, my brave answer-seeking interwebs!  I will not let you down!

bamboo related injuries : Uh, bamboo is a….plant.  That doesn’t move.  And has no sharp bits.  Unless of course you 1. use it to create some sort of pointy tool or 2. THE TRIFFIDS HAVE ARRIVED!  I’m going with explanation 2.  Ockham’s Razor be damned!  RUN, INTERWEBS!  RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!!

Heh.  Crazy googlers.