No really. The worst movie EVAR.

OMG Internets. O. M. G.

I just watched the absolutest worstest movie I have ever seen. And I have seen my share of crappy movies. Like Krull. And Amazon Jail. (Yeah, look that one up.)

But this one, this took the cake. Even as far as bad lesbian movies go, which are already bad, this was bad. And that is BAD.

It was called Maggie and Annie. Or annie and maggie. Or you know, two girls’ names.

First, it was a softball movie. Or at least it claimed to be a softball love story. Like as if the writers were having lunch:

Writer 1: “Hey, let’s make a lesbian romance!”

Writer 2: “Yeah, those are always easy fun! Don’t they like softball? Let’s make it a softball movie!”

Writer 1: “yeah, but we don’t know any actresses who can play softball”

Writer 2: “No problem. We’ll just film them standing out in the field and smacking gloves.”

So. Not one of the main characters was ever seen actually PLAYING softball. Standing in a softball field, yes. Yelling out encouragement, sure. But not one of them was ever seen catching, fielding or batting. There was some team of softball players playing, viewed from a great distance, like say beyond the fence at center field, but that’s about it.

Next, one of the main characters is married to a guy. A very nice, understanding guy, who didn’t freak when he finds out his wife is screwing her best friend. He even calls up the best friend, who had moved away to ‘let the flames die’, and suggested that they share his wife.

Uh huh.

Wait, it gets better!

The sex scenes were OH SO VERY LAME. They looked like two kindergarten girls playing dress up, except they were playing ‘two girls kissing’. There was lots of giggling and dreamy-eyed staring, and CRYING (omg who cries the first time they sleep with someone? Ugh). If I’d been one of those girls, I would’ve been all like “BITCH QUIT YER GIGGLING AND LET’S GET NASTY!” or something. Ok actually I don’t talk like that. Really not ever. But I’d be thinking it REALLY REALLY HARD.

And then. AND THEN.

So poor lesbian girl runs away to San Francisco (of course) to get away from the insane passion that she so (un) obviously shares with the married chick, to no avail. Married chick goes on and on to her husband about how depressed she is and how much she misses lesbian chick. And he just nods sadly until he finally calls lesbian chick and works out an arrangement to ‘share her’ (like a nice car or something, right?). And lesbian chick is all happy and drives home, and gets hit by a drunk driver and dies.


So married chick is all like ‘I’d have been so mad at you if you died without me saying goodbye…”

Ok I hate her. What a selfish little bitch! She has this great guy, a little girl, and all she can do is go on and on about how depressed she is, when the poor lesbian chick at least has the decency to try to move on, and she didn’t have a family to turn to at night.

Bitch, please.

I’m gonna watch me some Underworld, Rise of the Lycans. I need to cleanse my palate.

Fish and Joon.

My netflix queue has about 482 movies in it.

Yes, that is a lot.

Many of the movies are ones I always wanted to see, but never got around to it, or missed it, or whatever. On the list it goes.

I’ve been kinda slacking on my netflix queue, but I remedied that today, and knocked out two of ‘em in a single night.

Movie #1: A Fish Called Wanda.
I’m a HUGE Monty Python fan. My friends and I used to watch the shows, record the shows, quote the shows, and generally act with Monty Python tomfoolery on a daily basis. I used to know the entire “Flying Lessons” skit by heart.  (One of my personal favorites) So I remember when this movie came out, and everyone saying how absolutely funny and hilarious is was, and it had John Cleese and Michael Palin, so, win, right?  It even was nominated for a couple Oscars.

Meh. It had some funny moments, to be sure, but it just didn’t catch me. Wasn’t funny enough to hold my attention.  Perhaps my taste in comedies runs a little to the east or west of this one.  I certainly have busted a gut laughing at Monty Python, both the show and the movies.  Not that I’m claiming that every movie associated with Cleese et al is copied out of the Monty Python joke book, but chances are that if they were involved, I’d like it. 


Movie #2: Benny and Joon
I knew I’d like this movie the second it started with the Proclaimers song “I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)”. That song always makes me smile. Plus hello, Johnny Depp AND Julianne Moore? I can’t help myself, I love movies like this. It’s the romantic in me, what can I say.  So, great music:  ”Can’t Find My Way Home” is one of my all time faves, although I prefer the Swans version to Joe Cocker.  He always kinda freaked me out, frankly.  Classic boy meets girl, must overcome obstacles to be together story with a mental illness twist.  I especially like the fact that the person with the mental illness is never someone you think of as ‘disabled’. 

I can totally relate to Sam. In more ways than I care to admit.

I think I want to take up painting. Seriously. And hey, maybe I’ll watch a couple of old Buster Keaton films while I’m at it.

You come to watch, yes?

Went to see Borat this weekend, and I just have one thing to say:


This movie takes you places you never, ever, ever, EVER EVER EVER wanted to go, and then goes one step further.  And then another.  And ANOTHER.  It’s like watching a 10 car pileup on the freeway…you really don’t want to see anything, but you keep watching because you can’t stop yourself.

Words that pop to mind when I think back on that psyche-burning experience:

motel room

stop stop oh no they didn’t

they’re gonna kill him

what did he say??

omg he didn’t just say that

but he’s jewish!!

I would’ve killed him!

I think the fact that the way they filmed it, you’re not sure if the people he’s talking to are actors or not.  I’m leaning towards not.  I think they actually are filming people who have no idea that they’re being filmed for a movie.  And that’s what makes those scary impending death scenes that much more scary…because I really think they would’ve ganged up and killed him if he’d taken another step.  The dinner at the magnolia house was priceless though.

By the way…I laughed so hard it hurt.  I just watched the trailer (I’d never seen it) and it made me laugh so hard I cried.  But then I know what they DON’T show.

I’d have to say that you need to see this movie, but be prepared for anything.  ANYTHING.  Be warned.