OMG Internets. O. M. G.
I just watched the absolutest worstest movie I have ever seen. And I have seen my share of crappy movies. Like Krull. And Amazon Jail. (Yeah, look that one up.)
But this one, this took the cake. Even as far as bad lesbian movies go, which are already bad, this was bad. And that is BAD.
It was called Maggie and Annie. Or annie and maggie. Or you know, two girls’ names.
First, it was a softball movie. Or at least it claimed to be a softball love story. Like as if the writers were having lunch:
Writer 1: “Hey, let’s make a lesbian romance!”
Writer 2: “Yeah, those are always easy fun! Don’t they like softball? Let’s make it a softball movie!”
Writer 1: “yeah, but we don’t know any actresses who can play softball”
Writer 2: “No problem. We’ll just film them standing out in the field and smacking gloves.”
So. Not one of the main characters was ever seen actually PLAYING softball. Standing in a softball field, yes. Yelling out encouragement, sure. But not one of them was ever seen catching, fielding or batting. There was some team of softball players playing, viewed from a great distance, like say beyond the fence at center field, but that’s about it.
Next, one of the main characters is married to a guy. A very nice, understanding guy, who didn’t freak when he finds out his wife is screwing her best friend. He even calls up the best friend, who had moved away to ‘let the flames die’, and suggested that they share his wife.
Wait, it gets better!
The sex scenes were OH SO VERY LAME. They looked like two kindergarten girls playing dress up, except they were playing ‘two girls kissing’. There was lots of giggling and dreamy-eyed staring, and CRYING (omg who cries the first time they sleep with someone? Ugh). If I’d been one of those girls, I would’ve been all like “BITCH QUIT YER GIGGLING AND LET’S GET NASTY!” or something. Ok actually I don’t talk like that. Really not ever. But I’d be thinking it REALLY REALLY HARD.
And then. AND THEN.
So poor lesbian girl runs away to San Francisco (of course) to get away from the insane passion that she so (un) obviously shares with the married chick, to no avail. Married chick goes on and on to her husband about how depressed she is and how much she misses lesbian chick. And he just nods sadly until he finally calls lesbian chick and works out an arrangement to ‘share her’ (like a nice car or something, right?). And lesbian chick is all happy and drives home, and gets hit by a drunk driver and dies.
OMG HOW STUPID RIGHT??! RIGHT!!!
So married chick is all like ‘I’d have been so mad at you if you died without me saying goodbye…”
Ok I hate her. What a selfish little bitch! She has this great guy, a little girl, and all she can do is go on and on about how depressed she is, when the poor lesbian chick at least has the decency to try to move on, and she didn’t have a family to turn to at night.
I’m gonna watch me some Underworld, Rise of the Lycans. I need to cleanse my palate.