I have to wait a whopping TWO WEEKS before I have any chance of finding out if I’m pregnant. That has GOT to suck. No, it does…because I’m only 3 days into my 14 day purgatory. Man!
Category: Family
Author Archives: Morgan
Disturbation
The condition of being disturbed. I was moving through life, all signals where green, when I get smacked upside the head by the most unlikely of things: obsession. My own variety. I learned that prolonged exposure to the person that one is a fan of can be a very cataclysmic event. How? I had a dream last night, and that’s exactly what happened. In my dream, through no action on my part, I found myself face to face with a person I have idolized for nearly 12 years. And I spent a long time with this person. Long enough to transform the idol in my head into a person I know. And I woke up feeling…strange. Unsettled. Like my life underwent a small, say 4.6 earthquake. So I sit here and wrack my brain trying to figure out why, why is this affecting me? It was just a dream.
Maybe, because my soul is echoed so clearly in her music…I came face to face with my innermost creative soul. And the fact that I have neglected it for so long. My fingers are slow and soft, my soul is caged. Certainly no condition for a musician. I put it off and put it off, saying ‘Now is not the time for such things’, but then, what better time is there?
I should finish my music room. That’s what that dream says. The sleeper must awaken!!!
Category: Thoughts
Share this post:
The First Step is the Hardest.
Soo…I’m trying to get pregnant. I know I know, yikes! There goes my happy-go-lucky life with nary a care in the world. Hello baby bottles and baby poo, sleep deprivation (really, is there any better drug than that?? I think not!!) and worst of all, a money sponge like no other.
So why?
Yes, all my friends are doing it. And while I have to admit it *does* play a part, it certainly is not the primary motivating factor. But come on…one can only be surrounded by babies of varying ages on a constant basis and be in the prime of your baby-carrying life for so long without being affected.
When I was much younger, (say oh, 22, for grins) I made a Decision. I decided that I would Decide whether or not I wanted to have kids when I was 30. It was one of my two biggest Decisions I’ve made in this lifetime, and I adhered to it (by not deciding!) until I turned 30, a scant few years back. Yes, yes it was a SCANT!! dammit.
Anyway, I turned 30, and I sat down to Decide.
I thought a lot.
And then I Decided.
Before I impart my Decision to you, I want to make one thing clear. Despite the fact that is was only a few years ago, the people I am friends with now who have children either a) I did not know then or b) were not yet planning to have kids. So, the current baby-heavy atmosphere I find myself in now was NOT a factor when I made my Decision.
I Decided that I did indeed want to have children. Someday.
My Decision was based on one thing: I realized that when I lay on my death bed (assuming I get that luxury! Would that be a luxury? I dunno…) I would feel…empty…if I didn’t have children. If I didn’t create a family. If I didn’t have children to impart the lessons I have learned, whether or not they choose to learn them. Although I find that even when children don’t take their parents lessons to heart at first, they usually do later! I would regret it more than anything else.
And I also realized that children is the one true path to immortality. The one real way to leave your mark on the world is to create love and family while you’re here.
So I got that outta the way. Took me about an hour.
But notice, I didn’t specify when! I just figured I would know when the time is right.
And the time is right…right now. So wish me luck!
Category: Family
Share this post:
Exposed!!!
I was told a few days ago that a friend of mine, upon reading my blog, learned more about me in the 10 minutes he spent reading it then in all the time he’s known me.
Wow.
I guess I do sorta keep close to the vest…Probably from being burned SO MANY TIMES by people I thought I could trust. But you know what? I’m so totally a different person than the person who got burned all those times. More jaded? Well yeah, but… More grounded? Certainly. Happier? Definitely.
I was quite the rug back in my youth. I could’ve tattooed “WALK ALL OVER ME” on my forehead and it wouldn’t have been much worse.
So to all my friends and family who read this…and hell, to everyone else too: I hope this helps you get to know the “real me”! Because I guess it’s hard for me to open up in person unless I’ve known ya for years and years…and sure, a few more years.
Category: Thoughts
Share this post:
NY Memories
Category: Stories_, Thoughts_
I have lots of memories of my hometown. I find myself always wishing I could spend some time and write them all down so I don’t forget them. Do you ever remember a memory that you had forgotten about for years? Yeah, that happens sometimes. I’ve tried several avenues of ‘self-preservation’, so to speak, such as scrapbooks and journals and photo albums, but none of them have held a long-term attraction for me. But I seem to like this blog thing…so maybe that’s the ticket! So without further ado, here is the first installment of Morgan’s Memories.
Edition one: New York State of Mind
Yep I was born in the Empire State. The Big Apple. When I think of the time I spent living there, the first memory that always pops….well make that the first two….err…well, the first memories of my hometown are:
Eating mulberries off the bushes across the street from our apartment building. Boy were they good.
Learning to ride a bike at my friend’s house around the corner. See, they lived in these townhouse type things, with the garage on the first floor accessible from the back. So every townhouse contained two apartments, with two garage doors in the back. And between these townhouses were ramps that led to the back of the house. So, I would start at the top of one ramp, coast down (all on my friend’s bike, which I borrowed) make the turn to the left onto the road that was behind all of these houses, and then make the second turn up the next ramp, pedaling all the way. I found it’s a lot easier to balance on a bike when you’re moving fast, than if you have to get up to speed by pedaling…And then there was the time that I missed the second turn, and launched headfirst into one of the garage doors. Boy did I laugh…after the stars went away.
Going for a walk in the park across the street with my mom and my baby brother, and getting mugged by a bunch of first graders with broken beer bottles trying to steal my bike, and having the super’s wife chase ’em away with a broom handle.
Getting caught in a torrential downpour with my dad in the parking lot of our apartment, and having that be the absolute worst thing I’d ever experienced. (Might explain my vague discomfort with water…)
Wow. Once you get started, they just keep coming and coming…
One last one: I used to imagine that I had the power to know the future, and could predict what total strangers would do as I passed them by. This is a really vague one…I don’t remember it very well, so I must’ve been really young…but I would try to predict what someone would do while they were in my immediate vicinity. Such as predicting whether a car would park in that empty spot or continue down the road. Weird huh?
Ok for real, the last one. I was playing soccer with my dad in the park across the street (lots happened in that park….oh damn! more memories arising!!) and I had my very first (and last) asthma attack. At least that’s what I thought it was. Short of breath and all. I had to go to the emergency room, and they shot me up full of something and that fixed it right up.
One last thought… Italian ice lady! mmmmmm yummy!
Category: Thoughts
Share this post:
Ok…I’ve had my fill now, you can stop…
I really like this part of the world. The people are nice if you can get to know them, it doesn’t get too cold, and I have great friends.
But DAMN it rains a lot! I mean…DAMN!
DAMN!
But at least even on rainy days you often get a minute or three of sun…and if you’re lucky enough to be outside when it happens, it’s great.
But I’ve had enough rain for a while thank you very much! I’m ready for the summer!
Rain rain go away…
Category: Randoms
Share this post:
Transition – Part Two
Read Part One First If You Haven’t Yet Or This Probably Won’t Make Much Sense
Transition – Part Two
As she stepped into the dim living room, another memory passed before her eyes. She and her mother sat in front of the TV, watching a movie. It was about a family that had a rough life. One of the kids left home, and after years of struggling, she became successful. She returned home victorious, and brought her family from the brink of ruin. She felt safe then, sitting on her mother’s lap and letting her gently brush her hair as they watched the show. She remembered the feel of it, as if she could feel all the love of a mother for her child coming through those bristles. “You see? That’ll be you, my little Kip. You’ll make it out of here someday, and we’ll be so happy, just you and me.” She smiled up at her mom then, knowing that if her mom thought she could do it, then that’s what would happen. Later her mother had drunk herself to sleep. She was five then.
She felt something wet against her cheek and touched it in wonder. One tear coursed down her face. She nodded to herself. That is as it should be, she thought. Just one. She pulled the ear of corn that she had brought back with her from inside her leather jacket. With a purposeful stride, she walked towards the kitchen, stepped over the wet broken glass, and looked down at her mother. She was pale, and the glazed eyes stared up at the nicotine-stained ceiling. She had been pretty once. She placed the corn on her mother’s breast. It was complete now, like a full circle come round. Now for the last of it, she thought once more. Quickly she packed some clothes and necessities, her mother’s small savings, and anything of value she could easily carry. With a last quick glance at her mother’s body, she left the only home she’d ever known. She drove away, stopping only at a pay phone near the entrance of the mobile park. Nine. One. One. “Hello? Yes, my mother has had a heart attack. Please hurry! I think she’s already dead….I’ve…no, I’ve…I was gone. She was like that when I came home. Hurry, ok?” She gave the address, then slowly hung up. As she drove away, she could see the red lights grow brighter behind her as she headed for the highway.
Share this post:
Transition – Part One
Transition.
The wind whispered through the cornfield. As the sun set beyond the furthest row, each leaf glistened dark green from the afternoon rain. The only sound was the soft murmuring of the stalks, slowdancing with the breeze. It smelled of late summer – of soft rain, sunshine, clean earth, and life..
She knelt down and dug her fingers into the dirt. It was cool and sent a tiny chill through her. Safe. She breathed in deep the warm summer smells and closed her eyes. This is a good thing, she thought. She opened her eyes and stared at the setting sun. This is the only good thing. She pushed her fingers deeper into the dirt, rocking back and forth to match the corn. Silently she prayed to the corn to let her stay there, let her fingers push down, root in and listen to the earth; let it feed her, love her, keep her safe.
She stayed there until the last ray disappeared behind the cornfield. Time was nothing there; just listening, praying, listening, rocking. Listening. Safe. That night chill that told her autumn was near brought her back from her reverie. She sighed heavily, a sigh that holds back the pain, and slowly caressed the earth, making small circles on either side. She stood up, turned and started back to her old yellow Pinto. She drove home. Her foot rested as lightly on the accelerator as she could make it, keeping the car at a crawl. Funny thing about cars, though, is that they almost always take you to where you’re going faster if you don’t want to go. Before she knew it, she saw the familiar “Starlite, Starbrite Mobile Park” sign she had seen so many times. She passed the homes colored in faded pinks, blues and dirty beige that have been the backdrop of her life for twenty-four years. She pulled up next to the house she was born in and shut off the car. This is it, she thought, this is the last time. Stepping out of the Pinto, she took a deep breath and steadied herself against the hood. She looked at the mobile home, and a brief memory flashed through her mind. Her mother sitting in a white plastic lawn chair, smoking a cigarette and sipping her usual gin and tonic. “That’s a great job, Kippy.” Sip. “It’s right about the best birthday present I’ve ever had.” Drag. Exhale. Sip. “Come here and let me give you a kiss, baby.” Sip. She had surprised her mom for her birthday by saving up her allowance for paint and brushes to paint the house. She was fourteen then. Ten years ago. Her mom had picked out a deep shade of green, the green of deep forests. She had liked the color. Now, in the grisly sodium light, the chips and cracks of the paint were all too visible. No longer the green of safe, cool trees, it was now faded, pale and sickly. She walked up the steps slowly, not even flinching at the creak of the screen door that had always sounded like nails on a chalkboard to her.
To be continued…
Share this post:
Transition – Prologue
I wrote a short story for a writing class I took at a local college a couple years ago. It was during one of those times where my life was kind of in a holding pattern; I was in an ok place but it was a tenuous situation, and I was waiting for the next big piano to drop. Anyway, I once again toyed with the idea of finally getting my bachelor’s degree, and I took the required math and writing course as a start. That’s also where it ended, but that’s not the point…the point is the story. I have this weird illness that forces me to do things the hard way when they really matter to me. So, instead of testing out of these classes, I decided that I needed the refresher on basic writing and algebra. I was later asked by both instructors why I was in the class, why I hadn’t tested out, and I informed them of my illness-to which they shrugged and said “ok, whatever…here’s your A.”
So the story. I don’t even remember the assignment…something about invoking emotion I think, but I could be totally wrong. But I thought, as did the several people who read it, that it was good.
So I’m gonna post it here, in two parts. Stay tuned…
Share this post:
Sa-Weet
Well, seems like the drugs are working. I’m a lot less edgy the past couple of days.
So…
::toast to the wonders of modern chemistry::
And just in time too…the in-laws are coming tonight. Batten the hatches!! Brace for impact!! STEADY!!!! S T E A D Y ! ! ! ! !
“Sir, we can’t hold on! She’s going to blow!”
“You get back to your post sailor! Stand firm!”
“Yes sir!”
If I survive the next 48 hours, I’ll be in the clear until June at the earliest.
In case my in-laws ever find this blog…I’m exxagerating, really!!
Category: Randoms