People keep asking me if I’m excited.

I think they expect me to be excited like if I’m going on a 10 day cruise, or a 2 week vacation to the coast.

But I am not going on a cruise or a trip to coast.  I honestly don’t think of this as a vacation.

I’m going to live in South America for three months.  I’m going to leave my home, my friends, my dog (who has been especially cute these past few days), my routines, my comforts, my support and my stability behind and toss myself into the Great Unknown.  And frankly, excitement is not the emotion that those things kindle up in me.  I’d say a bit of panic and anxiety would be more appropriate reactions, wouldn’t you?

No?

Yeah, me neither.  I know, I’m suprised as well.  I thought I’d be waaaaay more excited at this point.  I thought I would face this adventure with my head held high and a ‘fuck you, bring it on’ attitude and jump off that cliff without a care.  After all, wasn’t it me who moved 3000 miles away on a (seeming) whim with nothing but a skateboard and a few boxes balanced on it?  Although looking back, I think I felt a bit of panic and anxiety about that trip too.  But I still did it, and never regretted it.

Make no mistake, when it comes time to leave I’ll probably LOOK like the fuckyoubringiton attitude is on top, like this is just another adventure in a lifetime of adventuring, like yo I do this all the time, no big.  But underneath it will be loads of panic and anxiety too, which the fuckyoubringiton attitude will be determinedly trying to stomp out.  I foretell limited success on the fuckyoubringiton attitude’s efforts.

The only difference between fear and excitement is your attitude about it.

Now to be fair, if I was going on a cruise or a vacation to the coast, two weeks out I may be a very teensy tiny bit excited, but not much. I usually don’t get that super OMG I’M OUTTA HERE dancing on the ceiling feeling until I’m packing, which I don’t generally do until the day or night before.  This time seems to be no different, either for excitement or for packing. (Although I do have a pile that I’ve started for ‘stuff I shouldn’t forget to bring’.  But it’s not actually *in* the suitcase, just on top of it, so it totally doesn’t count as packing. It’s more like…prefunc for the packing.  Yeah.) Therefore, the fact that I’m not feeling excitement yet is not terribly unusual for me.  Plus, all the work I’m trying to get done and all the preperations and last-minute commitments I’ve commited to have kept me focused all the more on Portland, which is kinda drowning any excitement I may be feeling.  I guess you could say I’m too busy to be excited just yet, and probably will be right up to the end – which sorta leaves room for the panic and anxiety to have a field day.

In conclusion:  Ask me if I’m excited when I’m on the plane.  I’m sure the answer will be a resounding HELL YEAH BRING IT ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  But till then, I’m gonna quietly continue to freak the fuck out.