In Defense of Dating.

Dating sucks.

No really, it does.  I know, I’ve been doing it a little over two years now.

It.  Sucks.  Ass.

Oh sure, you get to meet cool people.  Sure, there’s the prospect of that exciting first kiss, the quickening of breath, hearts racing and all that.  It still sucks, and I just don’t quite know why, or why I continue to do it.  I certainly don’t remember it being like this the last time I was single.  True, that was about 8 years ago, but still.  Maybe its the particular age group I’m dealing with now.  Maybe all the sane, stable, un-fucked up ones are taken.  Maybe I have old-fashioned ideas about dating.  Maybe I’m just looking in the wrong places.  Maybe “things are just done differently now”.  Whatever the case may be, I’m not Livin’ La Vida Loca, that’s for damn sure.  Dating seems to boil down to one thing: playing head games.

That is the one game that I really REALLY hate with a boiling passion am not fond of.

But what the hell.  Sign me up for that emotional roller coaster ride!  Yes, I ENJOY using my heart as a metal ball in the Dating Pinball machine.  If you’re not jaded and disillusioned, then you’re doin it wrong!  Hello, MultiBall!

Meh.  Meh, I say.

A friend of mine told me that relationships are overrated. That if hers ended, she’d just date and be single and happy for the rest of her life. She also told me she’s heard of lots of couples splitting up recently.

Well for her, and all the people thinking the grass is greener on the single side, here’s what I’ve learned after two years.  A few tips, you might say.  Or words of warning.  Take them how you will.

  1. Don’t show any interest in someone you’re interested in. That makes you “needy”. Maintain an air of mild disdain for human connection, or risk being seen as weak. The more you like them, the less you can show it.  And the less you show it, the more they want you.
  2. If you’re not dating at least 5 other people, you’re dangerous. Too available.
  3. However, if  someone informs you that they’re dating 15 other people, you *might* want to consider leaving.
  4. If you’re looking for more than a casual hookup, give up. Committed relationships apparently are no longer cool.  Whoa there partner…do you have FEELINGS about me?  Whoa, I’m not cool with FEELINGS, you know.  Now come over and let’s fuck.
  5. Unless the connection is instant and overwhelming, it’s not worth your time. Slowly getting to know someone? Who’s got time for that?
  6. People say in their ads/profiles that they’re ‘looking for friends, maybe more’. THEY ARE LYING.  If they don’t think you’re hot on first meeting, no matter how much you have in common or how much you hit it off, you’ll never hear from them again.
  7. Speaking of friends: There’s no such thing as going directly from dating to friends if you’ve had sex.  Saying that “We can be friends!” is a lie created to distract you from the fact that you’re being broken up with.
  8. You’ll want to learn the art of the passive aggressive text message.  Text is this generation’s sticky note on the bathroom mirror.
  9. Never, under any circumstances, friend people you’re dating on Facebook .  Or Twitter.  Or LinkedIn, Tumblr, or any of the other 3 billion social networking sites.  If by some dumb stroke of luck you actually *do* end up in a long term relationship with someone, then MAAAAYYBBEEE you can consider the digital hookup.  Until then, however, keep it off the internets.  It’s safer.  Think of it as a digital condom.  Let’s be safe out there, people.
  10. Realize that this is going to be a huge pain in the ass. Dating is like trying to organize a multilevel marketing scam but with the possibility of STDs and more booze.

But seriously, internets.  Dating just seems to bring out the ugly side of people, myself included.  I can’t tell you how many people have reached out to me on the various dating sites, and I take one look at the picture and delete the message with a shudder.  That makes me feel shallow and cruel – but I know what I’m looking for, and they have not met my standards. I’m sure I’d like those people.  I bet we’d be great friends.  I’m sure I have a lot I could learn from them; I believe that of most anyone.  But I don’t claim to be looking for friendship on these sites.  My mission is clear and focused.  Find people I’d like to date, and date them.  If we click a little, have fun.  If we click a lot, explore that potential.

Even more worrisome is that this casual hookup society I find myself in has truly shaken my faith in love.  I view it as a force , as a meta-force if you will; most forces can be described in terms of love or attraction.  I have faith in its inevitability, its power, its universal application.  But the fact that my experiences in the past two years are casting shreds of doubt in that faith shakes me down to my very core.  It scares me more than anything I’ve ever been scared of.  It threatens my foundations.

So think again before you throw in your towel and decide to become a hunter again .  It is not for the faint or the weak. As another friend of mine told me, encouraging me to just spend more time with my friends instead:  “Dating sucks!  We’re way more fun!”

“But Morgan!” you say.  “This post was called ‘In Defense of Dating’!  Not ‘Dating Sucks’!”

Yes, well.  I know, I sound a bit jaded and bitter.  I’m just doing a bit of dredging.  Believe me,  I still hold out hope, internets.  I’m a very hopeful type.  Perhaps one of you can convince me that there’s value in this twisted dance?  That there are people who don’t view relationships as a sport, to be won at any cost?

Here’s hopin’.

Thanks to my good friend Aaron, who brought his prodigious experience to bear on this topic, and to Michelle and her amazing Miracle in July for the Apture suggestion.  You both rock my world.

Of politicos and prose

What a week this has been.

I mean seriously, people.  Half the country will remember where they were yesterday for the rest of their lives, for starters.  For me, this week has been…Momentous.  Thrilling.  Moving.  Confusing.  Thought provoking.  Surprising.

So how many blog posts have you seen about the Inauguration?  I know, me too.  Tons.  And I kinda didn’t want to just add to the Obama mania noise with my piddly two cents.  So this is just an amalgamation of a couple things swirling around my head, including (I mean really, come on, I have to say something, right?) my little Obama plug.  Call it another house cleaning post.

 

So without furthur ado…OBAMA!

That's my president.  Isn't he shiny and new?

That's my president. Isn't he shiny and new?

I recorded the exact moment in his speech where I lost it.  It was right about 10 minutes, 17 or so seconds into it:

“…to all other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman, and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and we are ready to lead once more. ”

…and queue tears. 

TIKVA. 

I’m resolving to get my carpentry on for Habitat for Humanity this year.  That’s what I’m doing, for starters.  What about you?

Also, check out my buddy @dieselboi’s post on OurPDX.  He was THERE. And he has PICTURES!

 

Et Tu, Sam?

Sam.  We're all disappointed.

Sam. We're all disappointed.

What the hell??  My twitter/FB community has been, well, a-twitter with the news of Sam Adams’ announcement, and the repurcussions.  So he slept with an 18 year old intern.  Big deal!!  (as long as he was, in fact, 18.)  He should not have lied about it.  Especially when he was asked directly.  He could have skirted the truth, but no, he flat out lied.  And asked Beau Breedlove (yeah, what a name, huh?) to lie about it as well.  Which says clearly, I’m afraid that people will use this against me because I’m gay.  So I’m gonna hide my gay (legal) indiscretions.  Sure, it may not demonstrate the best judgment in your personal life, but it’s your personal life.  Your record of service speaks for itself.  If you’re gonna be our out and proud mayor, Sam, be out and proud.  You broke no law.  But now, the city is clamoring for you to step down, because they feel betrayed.  I personally don’t think so you should step down, despite my disappointment. I think the city would be best served by you staying in office, especially now that you will do your damnedest to improve your reputation. 

Some fellow bloggers who feel the same:

http://develonizer.com/?p=1663
http://catherder.wordpress.com/2009/01/21/why-sam-adams-should-not-resign-as-mayor-of-portland/
http://inyourwater.wordpress.com/2009/01/21/leave-sam-adams-a-lone/

 

Nao fala portuguese!

I’ve been reminded just how much I love Portuguese.  Such a beautiful language.  I remember the first time I heard it.  I was at a friends house, and she was playing some music.  It was in a language that at first, I thought was French.  But soon realized it couldn’t be French, since I couldn’t make out a single word.  Spanish then?  No, again, don’t recognize any words as Spanish.  Yet I felt so sure that I should be able to understand what they were saying, it sounded so…familiar.  Thus began my love of the Portuguese language.  Mostly the Brazilian flavor.  

I was also introduced to Fernando Pessoa, a Portuguese poet.  And I heard beautiful words, placed in such a way as to make my heart hum in rhythm with the sounds.  Pitter pat, pitter pat:

If I could tell the future and if I knew all secrets,
and if I had all knowledge,
and if I had enough faith to move mountains,
but if I didn’t have love,
I would be nothing.

Eu tenho saudade.

I think I need to do something with those lines.  Like, something that will go on my walls.  I know, I’ll paint them, right on my wall.  In big fancy letters.  Big swirly fancy letters, that go across my walls.  So I can be reminded every day of the essence of my heart. 

See #7 for the reason why.

 

Ok, so maybe working here ain’t so bad after all.

I did a really hard thing.  I told people that I had made something of a commitment to, that well, it doesn’t seem to be working out.  It was a possible break up, and I was interested in someone else.  Or at least, something else.  I had to do it several times.  No one freaked, and I didn’t get fired.  Everyone was supportive, and understanding.  It was not painless (I do develop loyalties tres quickly.  Tres.), but they were at least conversations I could walk away from with my head held high, and no hard feelings, and mutual positive spin.  And it wasn’t even really spin, really.  I learned a lot.  No really, my brain is full of stuff, and I’ll take that with me, and be better for it.  But I have to follow my passion.  And even better, I was told I *could* go back, if I wanted to.

I can be a total geek at work again.  Joy!  Yeah yeah all you open source peeps out there, it’s .NET.  Yes, there is a bajillion hoops, some of them on fire, and politics and crap.  But I understand it.  I’ve maneuvered those roads, they’re familiar, and now that time has passed, they don’t seem so bad, in exchange for being able to be a code monkey again, and get PAID for it.

I haven’t decided for sure that I’m going back yet.  But I can, if I want to, and everyone knows I’m thinking about it, and it didn’t hurt (much) to tell everyone. 

I can even – maybe – be agile again.

Lying is good. So says the Pentagon.

Yep.  Lie to me, because I just DON’T WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH.   I like my head in the sand.  It’s nice and warm on my …sinuses.

In other words, “Don’t ask, don’t tell”.

A Military Times poll recently released states that 58% of soldiers don’t want “don’t ask, don’t tell” repealed; 10% would not re-enlist, and 14% would consider ending their careers.

Elaine Donnelly, President of the Center for Military Readiness states that soldiers shouldn’t have to endure ‘forced intimacy’ situations with gay soldiers, and that ‘sensitivity training’ to learn to get along with their gay brothers and sisters-in-arms would make their jobs that more difficult.

Um, right. Some things you may want to consider:

Gay and straight soldiers are already having to endure ‘forced intimacy’ in the course of their work.  Only now, the gay and lesbian soldiers have to keep their sexuality a secret.  Kinda works against the whole trust paradigm that is so important when you have to rely on someone to keep you alive.   Some gay and lesbian soldiers choose to risk all for the sake of truth, and reveal their sexuality to a few of their peers who they trust.  I can only assume this is because they want to be kicked out of the military, right?.  No?  It couldn’t be because they are trying to build a trust relationship with their peers…   For the sake of argument, if you were a soldier, and had a (quite unreasonable) fear of gays and/or lesbians, wouldn’t it make you feel better to *know* who is one?  And then maybe, wouldn’t you realize that you really had nothing to fear in the first place?

You can not dictate to the human heart.  Just because male and female soldiers don’t bunk together, doesn’t mean that there are no hookups.  The lack of co-ed bunking is just a minor hurdle, and I doubt that has ever stopped any two people in the military who were determined enough to have sex.  Similarly, just because “don’t ask, don’t tell” was implemented, doesn’t mean that gay and lesbian servicemembers don’t hook up.  I happen to know that they most certainly do.  Seriously, sex happens, and a law on the books has done virtually nothing to impede it.  Repealing “don’t ask, don’t tell” will mean that gay soldiers will no longer be discharged for it.

Since “don’t ask, don’t tell” was instituted, approximately 12,000 gays and lesbians have been discharged for being gay, averaging about 1,000 a year.  Just for being gay.  Not because they weren’t good soldiers, the majority of them are.  When we are fighting two wars, one in Iraq and a far more difficult one in Afghanistan, can we really afford to lose that many willing and able servicemembers?  Many of them with necessary skills (Arabic speaking)?  These numbers don’t include all the gay and lesbian Americans who have tried to enlist and been refused, or those who would try to enlist but don’t, because of  “don’t ask, don’t tell”.

Keep in mind, these are only the ones who have been discharged, because they slipped up and got caught.  How many gay and lesbian soldiers are still there, fighting the good fight for our country, dying for us, for the betterment of our planet, and are forced to lie to their brothers and sisters?  I firmly believe that even the smallest lie, told under extreme circumstances, can begin to eat at you.  Imagine lying about something so personal, so intrinsic to your life as your heart, to men and women who share that deeply with you.  Your compatriots, who need to form such deep bonds in order to stay alive.

I wonder if more gay and lesbian soldiers are killed in action, because of such a seemingly little thing.  Perhaps it’s unlikely, but who knows?  We don’t, because we’ve told them not to tell us.

You must do as you’re told!

I’ve always had a problem doing what I’m told. I much prefer having suggestions presented to me, so I can analyze the options, and then decide for myself if that’s the best choice. UNFORTUNATELY…that’s not really what work is about. I’ve tried really really hard to get myself into a position where I can do things that way, and I’ve gotten sorta close. But there are times when I just need to do what I’m told, turn off my brain, and just do it. If I leave my brain on, I will resist. I can’t help it. If you want me to do stuff your way with my brain on, you must get me to “buy in” to your way of doing it, which means you must explain it to me before I will budge, and realize that I may disagree. (I might still agree to do it your way, but I’ll have to make sure you understand that I disagree with your approach). If you want me to just do it your way with no explanation, then I need to turn my brain off. And I mean OFF. Little tasks for me to complete with really no skill whatsoever. Which means you now have the headache of splitting up the big task into tiny little baby steps. Haha! Much better to let me do it in a way that we both agree is the best.

I’m starting to realize that this is true outside of work too.